December 11th Thursday.

My friends came last night and the whole time they were at mine I felt like I was forcing myself to smile and participate in the conversations. They had so much to talk about and I had nothing. They had no idea I am severely depressed, im that good at faking a smile. I'm getting better at hiding it. They were talking about their love life and I was sat thinking, why aren't I bothered about being in a relationship? Ive become too comfortable with being on my own with my kids. I'm sure when the time is right someone will walk into my life. At the moment I just dont want anyone. I'm mentally unwell so who's going want me anyway? 2026 is going to be a better year, im really going try my best to get better mentally. I can't do another year like ive been living. I pray for better mental health. I dont want to kill myself, but i dont want to live like this. Its not living, its surviving. You know what? I put mascara on this morning before school. Now you might be thinking, big deal, but it really is a big deal to me. Ive not bothered with myself for years, so to apply a tiny bit of make up is a big deal. Am I getting better? Am I slowly getting there. Don't know why I put mascara on, I really dont, but it gives me hope. Its the little things that give me the biggest hope. I use to do my make up everyday before the school run. I mean, I never wore alot of make up, just bronzer and mascara, but I use to make the effort. Then death happened and I lost myself. I'm desperately trying to find myself, this new version of me and by putting a bit of mascara on, it really does give me hope.