December 4th Thursday.

So i had the bright idea of wearing baggy trousers this morning, knowing full well it was raining. Didn't think did i, and by time I'd got school the bottom of my trousers was soaked and so were my Vans pumps I was wearing. The reason im telling you this is because I had to meet my sister in Hanley and didn't have time to go home and change. So I went Hanley and my feet were soaked. Had to wash and dry them when I got home. Soaked because I wore baggy trousers. Went a couple of shops got Jesse a new outfit for Christmas day and some trainers. I just need buy Damian and Louise a gift then im done. Can't afford alot this year, but ive tried my best. Be glad when its over and done with. Not the same when you have a child in heaven, but ill fight through. Been to see my friend Rachael this evening for a few hours. We were laughing alot! I actually laughed a genuine laugh. Is this what healing looks like. Am I finally getting better? Or is it just a better day? Either way, ill take it!! The sad thing is, i know it won't last. Said to Rachael, we need to start doing more after Christmas, when we have some money that is haha, but we need to start getting out more and she agreed. Could 2026 be a better year for me? I pray to God it is. Ive been suffering since 2020, I need a break. Someone, well a man, should I say messaged me a few days ago saying, 'morning beautiful, how are you?' I replied saying 'depressed, but thanks for asking'. Anyway, couple of days in and we're still messaging. He asks how i am, its nice. I'll be honest, im not sure if I want a man or a woman. Sometimes I think to myself, am I ready for a relationship? How bad my mental health is, it wouldnt be fair on the person I was with. Maybe im destined to be alone. I dunno. It'll happen when the time is right, I'd imagine. I do worry sometimes that im unlovable. I'm broken, who's going want me? I'm filled with sadness everyday, but I wear a smile. You wouldnt know I was dead inside..