December 23rd Tuesday.

Just sat here thinking, you never think you'd ever lose a parent or a child. I never, ever thought it would happen. To then lose both. Its really had a bad effect on me. Its damaged me. Its made me lose who I am. Ive been stripped of a person and I feel like ive had to start all over again. Learning how to do things all over again. From walking to the shop on my own. Sounds stupid doesn't it, but losing my dad and son, my anxiety is through the roof when I have to do anything alone. Grief hasn't just made my depression 100× worse, its made me fearful of life. Im scared to do things on my own. I try to push myself as much as possible so I dont go down the rabbit hole. I dont want it to get worse. Im trying to get better. Im participating in life. I went my sisters this morning to exchange gifts. Didn't stay long, didn't feel like talking. Got home and forced myself to shower. You know your depression is bad when you have to force yourself to get a shower. Can't remember when i last showered. Also, being sober at Christmas sucks! But on January the 1st i will have 4 years of sobriety. What an achievement. Super proud of myself. After everything ive been through, i remain sober. Don't really have a choice though. Its either drink or live, and I choose to live for my kids. Not going lie, I could murder a bottle of Bailey's, always use to be my Christmas tipple mixed with Jack Daniels haha. God I use to drink alot. Im a changed woman. I just need to embrace this new me and figure out who I am.