December 19th Friday.

That's it, school has finished for Christmas. Thank God. You know what, ive had a good day today, mentally speaking. Feel in a much better mood. Ive thought about my dad and son today, like I do everyday, but im doing ok. My brother came this afternoon for a few hours. He always visits on a Friday after he's finished work. Hes a good brother. I can not wait to go sleep and not have to set an alarm. I am grateful for the peace I have in my life now since going sober. Ive lost alot of friends that I use to go drinking with, but ive made new sober friends and I really am grateful. My life has completely changed since my dad died. I died too that day and ive been trying to find Ann-Louise since then. I'm living a new life. One without my dad and son. That's why im struggling, ive got to learn to live again without my father and son. Its hard. Living is hard work for me. Ive got to find myself, im just not sure how.. im going on a big health kick on January 1st. Ive got to try and lose some weight. The weight gain is from the Olanzopine. I was told about weight gain when I was first prescribed it. If its not one thing im battling, its another. Said to my sister earlier, if I had any shavers at home, I would of shaved my head today. Absolutely hate my hair. Ive decided to grow my natural hair in. Don't know what goes through my head sometimes. The thought of having my hair coloured is a no from me. I just hate my hair. I'll shave it off one day. Might even buy some shavers. The only thing stopping me is my fat face. Fuck sake! It's 10pm, Jensen has just ordered pizza and a milkshake for Jesse and me. Jesse sleeps with me, I love it. We're both in bed now relaxing watching TV. I'm feeling so grateful today. Heartbroken, but grateful. I was lucky to have Jay-Dee for 21 years. I am blessed to be his mother. Sad isn't it. Life was never meant to be this way. Still find it hard to believe ill never see my father and son again. Life's cruel! Anyway, goodnight.