December 1st Monday.

December already, where has this year gone. How have I made it this far? Ive blinked and its December. Crazy!

Jesse's back in school today. Routine is good. Been to craft morning with my friends. Didn't feel like making anything today so I just sat there trying to engage in conversations. I was telling them how I dont want to put a tree up and how im just not feeling Christmas. I said its not the same after losing a child. Damian has told Jesse he's buying him a Christmas tree to put in the living room. Looks like im putting a tree up. Damian said they're not little for long, put a tree up. Hes right, I need to snap myself out of how im feeling. I'm meeting my sister Wednesday to go Christmas shopping and for a festive hot chocolate, im looking forward to that. Might get me in the Christmas spirit. Doubt it, but we can hope. I'm just depressed. The medication is keeping me afloat. Fed up of life, can't see a light at the end of a tunnel. Can't see a future with me in it. I'm trying my best with life. I really am trying and I dont seem to be getting anywhere. I show up for life everyday, but everyday I feel the way I do. I just feel like crying. I'm sad that im alive and that's really, really sad. I'm only alive for my boys or I'd happily end my life. Feel like slapping myself to snap myself out of how I feel. I use to be so happy and proud that my 4 boys were alive and healthy. Its what got me through my father's death. The fact that I had my 4 boys. Then one dies. Life as I knew it was over. Don't get me wrong, im so thankful for my other 3 boys. But when you lose a child its something else. Omg im so depressed. It hits me how depressed I actually am.