December 6th Saturday.

Got my dad and my son on my mind today. Christmas time is hard. Everyday is hard, but Christmas time is really hard. How did life end up like this? I ask myself everyday, why did life have to be this way? I feel numb to Christmas, ive brought gifts, wrapped them, and yet I still feel nothing. I wish I could feel festive for my other children, but its so hard when youre grieving. I'm grieving the life I had and im grieving the life my dad and son won't have. Feel a bit shitty today. We all knew my better days wouldnt last. I am grateful for the better days, even if its only one a week. That one day gives me hope for the future. I'm always going to be grieving aren't I? It's something im going have to try to live with. I am trying my best. I feel empty today, hollow inside. I'm living with a broken heart. Praying for happiness. I'm really going to try my best in 2026 to have a better year. Ive been grieving since 2020, I can't do another year in survival mode like ive been living. I won't make it through another year like this. Its live or die and I choose to live! Told you before, my kids need me and i need them. I go on holiday in July and I dont know why I booked it because im already worried about going on my own with Jasper and Jesse-John. Anxiety is shit! I'm just hoping we have the best holiday and make beautiful memories. That's if im still alive come July, its 7 months away. Anything could happen in-between now and July. I booked it so we had something to look forward to, but its just giving me anxiety. I need to lose some weight before then. I'm going on a dead strict diet after Christmas. I'm going try my best to find myself before we go on holiday. 2026 has got to be a better year. Just prayed to God that he looks after my dad and son for me until I see them again. I could cry, I miss them both so much. Mentally, im exhausted. I won't make it through another year of hanging on by a thread. Not only will I not make it, but I dont want to make it if life doesnt improve. Something has got to give before I give up. Ive asked my dad and son to send me a sign that they're ok. I'm desperate to see something. I'm desperate to get a sign from above. I'm going to listen to some worship music to lift my mood i think. Anyway, hope you have a lovely Saturday.