December 8th Monday.

It's dad's 61st birthday today in heaven, its also the date his funeral was on. He wanted a get together for his birthday, but he never made it, so I decided to have his funeral on his birthday. That way the family would be together for his birthday. Dad will forever be 55 years old. Forever young like my son. God life is so cruel. Feel like shit today, understandably given what day it is. I miss my father so much. I pray that he has my son with him. I just know in my heart that my dad and son are together waiting for me to catch up. Everyday I survive is a day closer to seeing my father and son again. I can't wait to die. Ive been on a Christmas craft morning today, took my mind off things. Made Jensen a handmade Christmas card to put his Christmas money in. Hope he likes it. That's what we've been making the past few weeks, Christmas cards that will be sold next week at the Christmas fayre at school. Like I said, it took my mind off things which was good. My heart aches today. Dad had so much more life to live and cancer stole him from me! I was thinking how Jay-Dee went to get his haircut on his way to the rave he went in Liverpool. I was thinking, why get a haircut if youre going to kill yourself? It eats away at me. I have so many questions and zero answers until I see my son again. I blame the fucking drugs!! My beautiful son gone forever. God im trying my best with life, I really am, but on days like today its hard to see the light. Its a sad day.