December 13th Saturday.

Was thinking about my dad earlier, and how he use to ring me every single day to see if I was ok. I saw him literally everyday, to never seeing him again. I was thinking of how my son never got to have his first tattoo, he was telling me about. He'll never have children. Ive been thinking alot today. The pain never goes away. They both had so much more life to live. 55 and 21 are no age to die. Ive spent the day over thinking. Ive showered today and washed my hair.. go me! I have to force myself to shower, how bad is that. That's depression. I literally dont care about myself and it makes me so sad. When did this happen to me? Honestly hand on heart, losing my dad destroyed me, but to then lose a child.. I dont even know who I am. Losing my son has killed me off inside. Losing a parent is hard, it kills me inside everyday, but to then lose a child, I ask myself how am I still here? How am I still breathing? Why has everyone moved on in life and I seem to be stuck reliving the death of my father and son? I'm stuck in grief. How do I recover from all of this? How do I find me? Please help me! I'm living a new life and I dont know what im doing. I'm new to this. Losing my father and son stripped away the Ann-Louise I once was. Now im trying to find me, this new me. I'm scared that im lost forever. How do I even find myself? Honestly, im lost. I'm getting my roots done Wednesday, can't even be bothered,  but if you saw my hair, you'd see how bad it looks. Got to get my hair done. Might make me feel a bit better, we'll see. Santa came around the Abbey earlier to give out selection boxes to the children. St Johns church where I go, do it every year. So anyway, ive been stood outside in the cold with Jesse for an hour waiting for Santa. Took my mind off things if only for a short time. Anyway, bed time soon. My favourite time of day. My escape from reality. Death without the commitment.