December 24th Wednesday. Christmas Eve.

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Jensen has taken me to Asda to get my last few bits. It was rammed in there. Its crazy. My turkey is in the oven and my veg is all peeled and prepared. I was just sat thinking about my dad and my son and how heartbroken I am. Its Christmas eve, I should be filled with excitement, but im not. Im just devastated. My 5th Christmas without my dad and my 2nd Christmas without Jay-Dee. Its not getting easier. Are you all ready for Christmas? Hope its lovely for you. Im hoping Jesse doesn't wake up mega early, but we'll see. Ive tried my best with buying presents on what little money I had, and ive not done bad. Be glad when its all over now. Looking forward to going my sisters tomorrow evening for a little family get together. It'll be nice. I'd imagine my morning will be hectic. Building Jesse's toys, putting batteries in toys and cooking dinner. My brother will be down at some point to have dinner with us all. Its just not the same anymore now my dad and son are dead. Doesn't even sound right when I say that. They're both dead. It kills me inside. I dont know how im meant to do another year like the last 5 years. All I know is, im going to try my best to participate in life more. Meet up with my friends more, lose some weight, and just find myself again. 2026 im praying youre kind to me. 1 more death will kill me off. Praying for no more death in this family. Its in God's hands. Jesus take the wheel because I can't do this on my own.

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