December 15th Monday.

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I know people die everyday, but I just can't seem to come to terms with the death of my father and son. I think about them all the time. I'm forever grieving. I drift in and out of life. My mind wonders often, thinking whys and what ifs. Losing Jay-Dee resurfaced the death of my father. Everything felt like my dad had died all over again. Didn't take Jesse school today, I know they're going to fine me. I woke up at 7am, looked out the window, it was dark and rainy. I climbed back into bed and went back sleep. Started watching Stranger Things from season 1. I find it hard to not dissociate, but im trying to watch it. Jensen has gone Cheshire Oaks today with a few of his friends, Christmas shopping. I love that for him. Jasper will be here from college soon. Definitely taking Jesse school the rest of the week. Going try my best. Its 4.20pm and its already dark. Makes me want to get into bed early. Honestly, I'd sleep my days away if I could. Hate participating in life. Ive got Jesse infront of me, playing on the VR. Love having my kids around me. Wish I was normal, I hate that im mentally ill. Its destroying me as a person. Its made me forget who I am. That's my goal for 2026, find Ann-Louise. 

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