December 22nd Monday.

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Ive been Asda today to get all my veg and potatoes for Christmas dinner. It was so busy. I left Jesse with Jasper so I could go on my own. Wrote a list yesterday and got everything today.  Got the cakes sorted for after dinner. Still not looking forward to it, but ill try my best for the kids. Just seen this on Facebook, "I died a long time ago, im just waiting for my heart to stop beating", thats exactly how I feel. I died the day my father passed away,  and then all over again, when i heard the words my son was dead. Christmas is so hard. You're expected to be "happy" because its Christmas and im finding it hard. I wear a fake smile daily and its tiring. Im just waiting to die, truth be told. Can't wait to be done with this life. I won't live to an old age. I dont want to. I keep saying im ok, but deep down we both know im not. Im am so mentally unwell its horrible living like this. Anyway, just got to keep going.
Just asked Jesse what would he do if I died, and he said he'd kill himself. That was all I needed to hear. 

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