December 18th Thursday.

One more get up for the school run and then 2 weeks off for Christmas. Unfortunately im not looking forward to Christmas. Everything changed after my dad died. Its hard to explain, my whole world came crashing down and its like ive had to learn how to live all over again. After years of grieving I felt like I was starting to get better. My son died and I feel like im back where I started. Learning how to live another new life. I died inside the day my father passed away and then again when my son took his own life. Ive said before how lost in life I am. I'm determined to get better in 2026. Ive got to. Anyway, I was saying to Jasper earlier, January 1st im going on a diet and when ive lost some weight, im shaving my hair off again. I shaved my hair off 3 days before my dad died. Just lost my mind and shaved all my hair off. That's what I mean when I say ive come so far to give up now. I'm fighting for my life. For a life I dont even want. I'm fighting because my kids need their mum. But as I was saying, when ive lost weight im shaving my hair off. I hate my hair. Ive hated my hair for as long as I can remember. Its just falling out because of the Menopause. I just hate it. I only wash it once a week and even then I have to force myself. I hate brushing it because of how much falls out. Its curly and I just fucking hate it. Wouldn't suit me now with having a fat face. I'd look like my dad haha. My dad was a big man, so to see him looking like a skeleton when he died is heartbreaking. Esophageal cancer starved him to death. God how I wish life was different.. im beyond heartbroken. My father and my son. I am a broken woman. Feel like all I do everyday is blog about my dad and son, but it does me good. You're probably tired of hearing how depressed I am, but one day ill be better and ill be writing happier blogs.