December 10th Wednesday.

-
Depression is exhausting. Fighting for a life you really dont want is exhausting. My soul is tired. Everyday i make it through, im thankful. I'm thankful I wake up everyday, but try telling my brain that! I have suicidal thoughts everyday. Depression is horrible. Ive got my friends coming tonight, can I be bothered? Absolutely not. I'd prefer sit alone with my dark thoughts, but am I going to be sociable? Yes, im going to try my best. I know it will do me good. I'd love be able just get in bed and lie there forever. Shut myself off from the world and just wait to die. What a sad existence I am. Absolutely no purpose to my life. Yes im a mum, but who am I??? This is what I need to find, myself. I'm so lost in this life. Death has destroyed me. Everything thats happened since 2020 has literally destroyed me and my life as I knew it. Ive changed, I dont drink anymore, I mean wtf happened? How did life end up like this? My mind is blown when I think about everything ive been through. Shit. How the fuck am I still here? A shattered soul in a lifeless body. I'm distraught. I need to work out how im going to live this life because at the moment im not living, im surviving and somethings got to change or i just won't make it another year. I pray for a better year. I'm desperate to find happiness. Ive got to be due some luck..

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

March 11th Tuesday.

-
I went to the spiritualist church last night in the hopes my son would come through but he didn't. Gutted. I was desperate to hear off him. My friends aunty came through and I'm happy for her. The medium didn't really go into any detail about the person it was things you could of said to anyone. I dunno, maybe if my son had come through maybe I would of believed in what she was saying. I've had another driving lesson this morning and I did way better. I'm glad because I was thinking of stopping, so I'm happy I did better. I'm getting the hang of the clutch now. I even reversed today. I've done some washing today and pegged it out but I think it's gone a bit cold. I've heard we've got snow coming, typical after the nice weather we've been having. Can't wait to get the school run done so I can get a bath and get in my pj's.  I can't wait go bed. I love being in bed.
Read more

January 27th Monday.

-
Image
I went out Saturday, only for a couple of hours. The food was lovely and I enjoyed being out of the house. Yesterday I went to see my friend so it hasn't been a bad weekend.  I don't know why but I hate been stuck in the house. My mind goes on overdrive when I'm sat on my own. I guess that's normal under the circumstances.  Wednesday is fast approaching and I'm so nervous. I'm nervous but can't wait to learn how to drive. It will do me the world of good I know this. I've started eating meat again after being a vegetarian for 3 years. How strange how the body changes. I was craving bacon so I ate bacon, and I'm so glad I did. Bacon is delicious. Bacon and cheese oatcakes I've just eaten. How did I go 3 years not eating meat? I've not long got back from the cafe. I go every morning and have a cup of tea and a chat with my friends. I'm not feeling to bad today mentally speaking.  I was thinking this morning, how are my dad and son dead? It j...
Read more