December 25th Thursday. Christmas Day.

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Its been a busy day, can't wait get into bed. I was wide awake at 4am for ages, managed to get back asleep for an hour or so and then Jesse woke me up. Jesses little face lit up when he'd seen that Santa has been. Hes 9 now so this was probably his last year in believing in Santa. Bless his heart, he keeps saying Merry Christmas mum and love you. Hes so beautiful. Cooked a beautiful dinner and we've been my sisters for a few hours. Its been a hard day. I was telling my brother how much I miss my dad and son, and how hard today is. Ive kept a smile on my face for Jesse, but inside im so sad. Jensen got me a Stanley beaker with Jay-Dees photo on. So thoughtful of him. I'll post the pic at the end. Can't wait get into bed. Today has worn me out. Everyone was drinking at my sisters and I was on water. Life's shit. Proud of myself for staying sober. Nearly 4 years sober. How have I manged that after losing my child? I have no clue.

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