December 14th Sunday.

Didn't go church, couldnt be bothered to get out of bed. Ive had a shit day. Ive done less than nothing. Just seen a post on Facebook saying, im not living, im surviving and i thought to myself, i was meant to see that. I'm not living, i am only surviving. How can I live a life I just dont want? How do you carry on living, when youre dead inside? Was meant go my friends today for a catch up, but i cancelled. Its like i isolate myself when i feel like shit. I cut myself off from the world. My misery doesn't like company. I'll go one night in the week to see them, they know im depressed. Sick of being depressed, doesnt matter what I do, im still suffering with depression. Wishing I was dead. I'm giving 2026 a chance, but i refuse to live another year like ive been living. Next year is either life or death. No more survival mode, I want to be living. I'm so tired, its only half past 5 and I already want to get into bed. Anyway, thats it for today. One more week of getting up early and then its the Christmas holidays. Couldn't feel less chrismassy. Jesse's just said mum are you excited for Christmas and i smiled, and said yes duck are you? Tired of pretending to be happy. It drains you. If only my kids knew how much I wish I was dead. I'm only alive for them..