Cancer, Depression and Me.

Finished painting Jesse's room today, i say finished, I've got the cutting in to do. Other than that im done. Going try get the cutting in done tomorrow.  Its been a shit day today, been stuck in all day. I hate it. I feel trapped in my own mind when im stuck in doing nothing. My mind goes on overdrive, I sit thinking about my son and dad. I prefer it when im doing something to calm the mind. Jasper's here now so its not too bad. I'm going force myself to get dressed tomorrow, I need to go Asda and do some shopping. Ive had an Iceland food shop delivered, so my freezer is full. I need some fresh foods. I also need a vape so definitely leaving the house tomorrow,  even if it is just for the shops. Its 4:25pm now and i already can't wait go bed. Ive not thought about suicide today Amen. Half way through week 2 of the holidays, it seems to be dragging. Ive got to buy Jesse's uniform this week so its here on time. My sister was telling me what she's got to buy f...

Been out for a carvery tonight with Jasper and Jesse-John. It was nice, did me good to get out of the house. I'm ok leaving the house with someone, its leaving the house alone that's the problem. Anyway, like I say, it did me good and the food was lovely. On the way home my mind wondered off to the thought of me slitting my wrists. I sat and thought about how I've not self harmed for over a year and my mind fantasised about slicing my wrists. There's something seriously wrong with me. Suicidal ideation is horrible to have. I thought I was doing ok, but im clearly not. Ive not sliced my wrists so that's good. The wanting to die outweighs the wanting to stay alive, yet here I am still alive. I'm not here through choice, because if I was given the choice, I'd choose death. I'm here for my children. I want to see them grow up then I can happily die. I'm such a morbid person, I always have been. Ive never been scared to die, think its the depression if im...

Had to wake up early today, my alarm was set for 8:30am so its alot earlier than I've been waking up. Anyway, the reason why is because Jesse was going swimming at half 9 with Damian. I waited for them to go and thought I'd go back bed, but then I couldn't fall asleep so I got dressed and went see my friend. I stayed with her for a few hours and we both went and visited one of our other friends so its been a good morning. Ive just done an online food shop which will be here soon and other than that, that's how my morning has been. I pulled the right side of my back a few weeks ago and its not been right since. You can tell im 41 now, bloody back ache! Jasper slept last night so he's here with me now. Even though he doesnt live with me, I still see him everyday. I love it. I love having my children around me. I miss Jay-Dee so much, I just miss his smile and his face. I do hope that Jay-Dee and my dad are together. I pray they are. I miss them both so much. Its hard ...

I'm not doing anything today, i feel rubbish. Didn't get out of bed till 11am and even then I didn't want to get up. I feel drained. I'm going force myself to shower soon and wash my hair. Grief is heavy today. I need to do something to occupy my mind. Being stuck in the house makes me feel worse than I already do. My friend wants me go hers but I just dont feel upto socialising. I could easily go back sleep. I hate being awake. I know its the depression. I hate suffering with depression and having anxiety too makes it even worse. Hopefully I'll feel better after my shower. I hate the way I feel. I can't keep living like this. Everyday is a battle to get through. I'm so fed up of living. I keep thinking about my life and how repetitive it is, I do the school run, I see my friends, I go the shops. That's it, I go out now and again. Why can't I just be happy with that? Why do I constantly feel this way? What can I do to improve my life? How do you carr...

I didn't get out of bed today until 11am and even then I didn't want to get up. I hate having to face another day being alive. Honestly my kids are the only reason I get out of bed, if I didn't have them I'd just rot in bed and wait to die. Ive done nothing today, had to get dressed because 2 of my friends came for a few hours, but that's about it. Take away night on a Saturday, not sure what im having yet. I'm thinking chicken tikka curry with a nan bread. Started watching something called Under The Bridge on itvx and its based on true events, its good. I'm on episode 3 now. I love anything that's a true story. I watch alot of documentaries on murders and unsolved crimes. I love anything like that. I feel like shit today, just feel a bit down. Probably because I've not left the house again. I'm tired and its only quarter past 4 in the afternoon. Maybe I've had too much sleep. To be fair I was still awake past 12 last night, took me ages fall...

Had my brother here today for a few hours after he finished work, so that broke my day up. Nearly at the end of week one of the holidays. The past week has gone fast. Ive done some washing and pegged it out whilst the weather is nice, had myself a shower and got back into clean pjs. Every day I wake, I look forward to going back bed. I think its the depression. I spoke to my dad and son earlier whilst I was sat on the step thinking about life. I asked them to send me a sign that they're with me. I was sat thinking about life and how im not doing anything with my life. I purely exist for my kids. Its sad isn't it? I dont know what my purpose is, I know i was meant to be a mum, but what else? I have to tell myself its God's timing not mine. Everything will fall into place. I just have to trust that God will deliver. I just want to feel happiness, im not asking for alot, just happiness. I doubt I will ever be truly happy, now that my dad and son are gone, but I just want to be...

Doing alot better today, been out the house a few times so its done me good. Nipped Home Bargains with Jensen so we could buy some energy drinks. The Monster energy drink is £7 for 9 cans and its sugar free. Went Asda and then Jensen and Jasper came Just Kidding with me and Jesse. The boys went in play with Jesse, I was just sat there alone taking it all in with a smile on my face, watching the 3 boys play with each other. I felt proud of how well I've brought my children up and I  at the same time my mind wondered to Jay-Dee. Wishing he was here with us all and then my heart sank. I went back to watching my boys chase each other around the wacky warehouse and it filled my heart. I overcome the sadness by reminding myself that my boys need me. I saw a girl I know at Just Kidding and she asked me how I was doing, I told her im just living day to day. I know I've booked a holiday next year and that's my goal to get better mentally. I'm hoping the therapy helps. As much as...

Had a boring day, cleaned around, did some washing and got it dried on the line. I went my friends for a few hours this evening, which broke my day up and that's it. Ive book Just Kidding for tomorrow tea time to take Jesse for a few hours. Jasper said he'll come with me so that'll be nice. Mentally I've had a shitty day, im glad im sat on my own now so I dont have to fake smile. I can see that im functioning whilst having depression. I'm not sure how, but I am. Granted I get anxiety about doing certain things, but that's something im trying to overcome. That's why I visit my friends, I push myself to leave the house, even when I dont want to. I didn't want leave the house earlier, but I pushed myself to go so I dont become consumed by my house. I know how easy it is to hit rock bottom and that's why im fighting so hard to stay afloat. I knew yesterday that today would be shit because I had nothing planned. Its 20 past 9 at night and im sat drinking ...

Got up early today and went on my driving lesson. He keeps taking me over roundabouts and I hate it. I just start to panick and I don't know why. I'm ok with my clutch control and gears now. I should of just learnt in an automatic, but im too far in now. Think today was my 17th lesson and at £40 a time, im not about to give up. I nipped see my friend Rachael for a couple of hours this afternoon and that's about it.  After seeing Rachael and Ange I got home, got a shower and in fresh pjs.  Day 2 of the holidays nearly done. I feel ok today. After my lesson Jesse and I walked to Asda to get snacks. Its not been a bad day. Everyday i think about dieting and every day I fail, so I just think fuck it. I give up, maybe this is the weight im meant to be, who knows. I'm sick of worrying everyday about my weight. Life's too short isn't it?  It's only 8:20pm and I already can't wait to get into bed. I'm tired today. Ive got zero plans for tomorrow so I reckon ...

Day 1 of the holidays, ive done nothing today. I didnt get of bed until 10:40. Had a massive lie in. I feel like shit, got no energy to do anything or go anywhere. Im just doing a load of washing, was going peg it out but its given out thunder storms on my weather app. Im tired of life today, I feel like life just sucks the life out of me. I know its the grief and the depression, ive just got to get through the day. Its quarter to 4 now, the day has gone pretty fast. Jasper slept last night so hes not long gone back home. I cant wait go bed, honestly, im so tired of being alive. I hope these next 6 weeks go fast and i can get back to a routine. It does me good to leave the house, even if it is just the school run and shops.Ive got a driving lesson in the morning so got to be up early, ill be taking Jesse with me. I did the last half term they had. He was as good as gold sat in the back, he didnt say a word. I keep thinking of giving up with the lessons but ive spent a fortune already a...

What an amazing night i had last night watching all the boxing and MMA fighters. It was the first time in years I've got dressed up for a night out. I felt lovely. I was nervous about going because of my anxiety, but I was fine once I was there. I saw a few people I knew too. Watching Jensens fight my hands were shaking with nerves for him. It was hard to watch your son fighting, but he only went and bloody won!! I couldn't be prouder and I know Jay-Dee would of been there watching him. I feel so proud today. Jensen worked really hard for last night's fight and his hard work paid off and he won. I'm the proudest mum today. Not going lie, I feel shattered this morning, think its because I took my night time medication alot later than usual so im still tired. I'm feeling ok, gutted Jay-Dee wasn't there last night, but im sure he would of been watching over his brother from where ever he is. My dad would of been there too if he was alive, I just know they're bo...

You know, over Christmas I was having panic attacks about leaving the house. I think its because we were stuck in for Christmas and it was my first Christmas without Jay-Dee,  well anyway, I was just sat thinking about how much of a bad place I was in mentally and how far I've come. I know i don't go very far, but im leaving the house most days, im socialising with friends even though I don't want to. I'm pushing myself to do more and its working. I'm hoping I don't go down bank over the 6 week holidays. I need to leave the house as much as I can. Where im going to go, I don't know. Even if its just the park for an hour or so, I need to push myself. Jesse is happy he's got 6 weeks off now and im happy I don't have to set an alarm. Thought about my dad and son today and im doing ok. Depressed but not suicidal, so I'll take that. I'm going bed early tonight, when I say early I mean about 9 or 10, because im tired. I'm always tired and I tak...

Another day of hanging on by a thread. Another day of heartache. God i miss my child so much it hurts. My dad was my best friend and my son was my first born. To lose them both is just tragic. I would literally give my life to have them both back. I know its not possible, and ill have this heartache forever. I'm just hoping grief becomes easier to live with as time goes on. All day long all I think about is my dad and son. All day, everyday. Some times I feel like im going crazy because im consumed by grief. Often I think im losing my mind. Its horrible. I try my best everyday to get through each day and im doing it, how I don't know, but I am.  Jensen has got his first fight Saturday and im so nervous, what if he ends up injured or gets hit wrong in the head or something? I'm petrified that I'll lose another child. I can't take anymore heartache. One more death would tip me over the edge for sure. After school I wanted get a shower and get in my pjs, but I've j...

I can't describe the pain I feel inside over the death of my father and son. It hits me everyday that they're gone and ill never see them again. My brain can't comprehend the fact that they're gone. Everyday i wish I could see them, hear their voice, see their smile. Everyday my heart breaks over and over again. I have a constant ache inside, my heart feels heavy. Grief is waying me down. I can't see a way out of how I feel, only death. Ive been under my psychiatrist now for a few years and she's not really done anything to help me except prescribe medication. Yes, the medication helps, because god knows how I'd be now without it, but it hasn't fixed how I feel. Its just numbed the pain. My heart hurts and I know it can't be fixed. The only way out of this is death and that's not an option. Once again, I can't leave my children behind. I wake up everyday and im gutted that I wake up. I just wish I could sleep the day away. The pain is unbeara...

Dreamt about my dad last night, woke up feeling really upset. He was dying in my dreams and I was caring for him all over again. I held him as he took his last breath just like I did in real life. What a horrible dream to have. Relived his death all over again. How shit is that. I look forward to going sleep so there's a chance I get to see my dad and son, but I didn't want to see him poorly again. Oh my heart aches. You know, I've been blogging now for 4 and a half years. I was thinking about it last night and it made me realise how long I've been suffering for. I was mentally unwell before my dad died and its just gotten worse with everything that's happened. Understandable. I was telling my friend this morning that if I didn't have my kids to keep me going, I'd be admitted into the Harplands. Its sad but true. Ive been under a psychiatrist now for a few years and im still mentally unwell. I have the odd days here and there where I feel ok, but deep down i...

I feel angry today, angry that my sons life was cut short. Angry that cancer took my dad from me. I knew my better days wouldn't last. I remember when I was having counselling with Dove Bereavement, after the death of my father, I remember them saying you can revisit stages of grief over and over again. I thought I was getting better. How cruel is my mental health, I have a few days where im feeling ok and then boom back to feeling shitty. I'm so heartbroken. Not a day goes by where I don't think of my dad and son, even on my better days, i still think of them both. Their deaths consume me most days, grieving is horrible. I got out of bed this morning and I took Jesse school, I went the cafe for an hour to see my friends and then went Asda to get stuff for a spag bol for tea, then I walked home with my shopping. That's a big deal to me because I usually taxi back because of my anxiety, but today I walked so im proud of myself. I'm just doing a load of washing so I c...

I got up early and went to Church, did me the world of good. Ive not long got back from my friends house and im straight in my pjs. Its too hot be wearing clingy clothes. I'm not feeling too bad today which is good. I want to be in bed early tonight so I can wake up and take Jesse-John school. Its his final week in year 4. Can't believe he's only got 2 years left in primary school and then he'll be in high school. My last baby. He had to be my last, cancer made sure of that!!  Damian sent me a video of Jesse riding a bike, he's brought him a new bike and taught him how to ride it. What an amazing man Damian is. Jesse is so lucky to have him as a father figure.  So now my baby can ride a bike, he's growing up too fast. Anyway, that's my day so far. Just waiting for Jasper to arrive and spend a few hours with me and that's it. I'm just thankful im still feeling ok. Still not thriving, but im doing ok.

I'm doing ok, I've been doing ok for the past few days which is good. I think about my dad and son everyday and that will never change, but in time I'll learn to live with the grief i feel. I'm just glad I've had a few better days. Not wanted to kill myself for a few days so that's really good. Its a step in the right direction. I'm going church tomorrow, I've not been for a few weeks and I miss going. I'm not doing anything today, except clean. So I've hoovered around, done some washing and pegged it out because its red hot today, and then I went and got a shower and washed my hair. Nothing exciting. I'm just glad I feel better. Them days where im suicidal are horrible. Its a battle getting through the day, but I do and that's the main thing. Ive brought my fan downstairs because its too warm and im going through the Menopause so you can imagine the hot sweats. I'm on HRT but I still have hot flushes. I sleep with a fan on every nigh...

So I've just been the Ash Bank for a breakfast with two of my friends, Kayleigh and Tom and I've come home and walked my dog. Ive walked her now before it gets too hot for her. Don't want her burning her paws. I feel ok today, the only problem is that we all know these better days don't last. Jesse's got one more week at school then its the big holidays. I'm hoping the weathers nice so I can take him out through the holidays, but we've had a good few weeks of sun these past weeks so you watch it rain over the holidays. I see my friends at school every morning in the cafe, was nice to just nip out with a couple of them for breakfast. I see my other friends a couple of times a week. Ive got a good support network of friends. I'm thankful. Another day of not wanting to die, thank God. Its days like this that give me hope for my future. I booked that holiday for next July to give me something to look forward to, incentive to not kill myself haha. Sad but tru...

So my son Jensen was awake all night, he's not been sleeping too good, but anyway, before school this morning he asked me if I wanted him take me Hanley. Its like God knew i was worried about going and Jensen took me. Amen. We were only out the house a couple of hours, but it was nice to spend time with him. We went a coffee shop and sat and had coffee together. It was a nice morning. I went to H&M and managed to find some black trousers, Jensen brought some shorts because he's going Colombia next month to see his girlfriend. We went McDonald's before heading home and Jensen brought me some breakfast.  Tell you what, I might be mentally ill and I have been for many years, but I've brought my boys up well. They're lovely, well mannered boys. I'm so unbelievably blessed to of birthed 4 boys. Just makes me sad that Jay-Dee isn't here anymore. I have to tell myself that my son and my dad are in a better place than I am. This is hell on earth. Well it is for ...

Ive forced myself to take Jesse school, i could of easily stayed in bed. Ive just had my 16th driving lesson, I wrote a message to my instructor this morning to cancel it, but i deleted the message and forced myself to go. Ive got no motivation at all. Ive just finished my lesson and it went ok. We did round abouts today and I just kept panicking. I keep thinking of giving up on them but I've spent alot of money already, so I've got to stick at it. I know its going take me longer to pass because im only having one lesson a fortnight because its so expensive. My hearts not in life, im struggling with wanting be alive never mind driving. Oh I wish I was normal, I wish life was easy, but its not and im far from what ever normal is, but I've got to keep going. I have to push myself to do anything, I've really got no motivation at all. I'm tired all the time. I went Asda this morning and brought porridge oats, natural yoghurt and fruit. I need to start eating healthier. ...

Not feeling life today. Not taken Jesse school, didn't want to be out of the house. I have days like this and I hate it. I hate my anxiety!! I'm forcing myself to take him school tomorrow. He's only got this week and next week, then its the big holidays. I can't wait to not have to do the school run for nearly 7 weeks. I feel so fed up of life. I'm not enjoying being alive and that needs to change before I end up killing myself. Something needs to happen, I need a break from life. Last week I booked a holiday for next year to give me something to look forward to, but im already anxious about it. I booked it for next year so I can get better this year. Don't know why I impulse booked it. We're going Sol Katmandu, I went a few years back and it was amazing so we're going back there. Its only me, Jasper and Jesse-John going. My brother has booked the week off work to look after my dog and my house, which is good of him. So anyway, I've got to get better...

Losing my dad and son has destroyed me. I think about them every single day and still can't believe they're gone. I don't know how im getting through each day I'll be honest, its a battle to stay alive. I just want to give in. I just want to kill myself. I can't though, i can't leave my boys with no mother. As much as I want to die, I can't do it.  I keep waiting for God to send me someone to love me, someone to show me true happiness, someone who will be there for me on my darkest days. Someone to give me hope for the future. I'm ok being on my own, but it would be nice to meet someone to love. I know when God's timing is right, he'll send me someone, I've just got to get better first, mentally.  Jensen hasn't been work the past week, he's not doing well with his mental health I think. Jesse's school has referred him for bereavement counselling because he cries alot at school over the death of his grandad and brother. Jasper drop...

I still find it hard some days to comprehend that one of my children are dead. I got to say goodbye to my dad, I held him as he took his last breath. I sat with his dead body for 3 hours after he died, but my son just left the house one day and never came home. 2 deaths which were completely different to each other. I have to live my life after losing 2 very close people to me. They meant the world to me, and now they're gone.. Some days it doesnt feel real that my son has gone and ill never see his face again.  How do you come back from the death of your father and son? I think this is me forever. Mentally unwell. I don't know what i can do to make myself better. I hope the trauma therapy helps when I start that. I could be waiting a while though for an appointment.  My friend brought me a present school today. For no reason, she just brought me a gift. I'm so blessed to have the friends I have. I'll post a picture of it at the end of my blog.  I keep telling myself im...