July 17th Thursday.

Another day of hanging on by a thread. Another day of heartache. God i miss my child so much it hurts. My dad was my best friend and my son was my first born. To lose them both is just tragic. I would literally give my life to have them both back. I know its not possible, and ill have this heartache forever. I'm just hoping grief becomes easier to live with as time goes on. All day long all I think about is my dad and son. All day, everyday. Some times I feel like im going crazy because im consumed by grief. Often I think im losing my mind. Its horrible. I try my best everyday to get through each day and im doing it, how I don't know, but I am. 

Jensen has got his first fight Saturday and im so nervous, what if he ends up injured or gets hit wrong in the head or something? I'm petrified that I'll lose another child. I can't take anymore heartache. One more death would tip me over the edge for sure.

After school I wanted get a shower and get in my pjs, but I've just found out there's a disco on at school for the kids 6-7pm so now im waiting around to take Jesse, then I've got sit at the school for an hour. This is the last thing I wanted be doing tonight. I need to wash my hair.

At least Jesse will have a good time, that's the main thing i guess..

So now im sat around waiting for half 5 so we can walk back school. It'll keep my mind occupied so that'll be good.

One more get up early then 6 weeks off. Got to find things to do with Jesse for 6 weeks, that'll be the hard part and its given out shit weather all next week.. typical. 

Ive got my 17th driving lesson on Tuesday and ill be taking Jesse with me. Hes been on a lesson with me before when it was half term and he never said a word for the whole hour haha it was bliss.

Anyway, bye.