July 2nd Wednesday.

I still find it hard some days to comprehend that one of my children are dead. I got to say goodbye to my dad, I held him as he took his last breath. I sat with his dead body for 3 hours after he died, but my son just left the house one day and never came home. 2 deaths which were completely different to each other. I have to live my life after losing 2 very close people to me. They meant the world to me, and now they're gone..

Some days it doesnt feel real that my son has gone and ill never see his face again.  How do you come back from the death of your father and son? I think this is me forever. Mentally unwell. I don't know what i can do to make myself better. I hope the trauma therapy helps when I start that. I could be waiting a while though for an appointment. 

My friend brought me a present school today. For no reason, she just brought me a gift. I'm so blessed to have the friends I have. I'll post a picture of it at the end of my blog. 

I keep telling myself im going to get better, but deep down I think to myself that I'll be grieving forever. How will I ever get better?

What can I do to help myself? I force myself to socialise when all I want to do is get into bed and never get back out. I just want to shut the world away. I force myself to see people so I don't go insane. I seriously think I've lost my mind. My dad and sons death has destroyed me. I don't recognise myself anymore. I look in the mirror and I don't know who is looking back at me. I honestly think im lost in life.

I try so fucking hard everyday to not kill myself because my kids need me. As much as I wish I was dead, im also thankful im alive for my children. Life's hard work isn't it?

Anyway, here's what my friend brought me.