July 7th Monday.

-
Not feeling life today. Not taken Jesse school, didn't want to be out of the house. I have days like this and I hate it. I hate my anxiety!! I'm forcing myself to take him school tomorrow. He's only got this week and next week, then its the big holidays. I can't wait to not have to do the school run for nearly 7 weeks.
I feel so fed up of life. I'm not enjoying being alive and that needs to change before I end up killing myself. Something needs to happen, I need a break from life.
Last week I booked a holiday for next year to give me something to look forward to, but im already anxious about it. I booked it for next year so I can get better this year. Don't know why I impulse booked it. We're going Sol Katmandu, I went a few years back and it was amazing so we're going back there. Its only me, Jasper and Jesse-John going. My brother has booked the week off work to look after my dog and my house, which is good of him.
So anyway, I've got to get better in time for my holiday. Ive got a year.
I'm tired today, well, im tired everyday but today I feel drained. I just wish I could lie in bed and forget about the world, but I can't..  
It's 10 past 2 in the afternoon and im still sat in my pjs. I don't plan on getting dressed today. Ive done a load of washing and pegged it out in the hopes it doesnt rain.
Honestly if I didn't have Jesse to look after and feed, I wouldn't leave my bedroom. 
My depression isn't getting any better, all I ever blog about is how depressed and anxious I am and im sick of it. I just want to be happy that im alive and well, but im not and its killing me. Depression is killing me. 
I want to be alive for my kids, but this isn't living. I also wish I was dead so I could be with my dad and son again. Its a love, hate relationship with life isn't it? Ive got no choice but to survive but I want to be thriving not just surviving. 
I keep thinking that I need a job to get me out of this house, but in all honestly, I don't think mentally im well enough.
What am I meant to do to get better? How can I help myself when i feel so lost in life? I'm literally living day by day.
God didn't bring me this far to only bring me this far, im here for a reason and I guess I've just got to ride it out. God has a plan for me, I just need to carry on as I am. I'm putting my life in God's hands.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

August 26th Monday.

-
Its hard to believe we're nearly at the end of August. Time seems to be passing me by. I cried today but thats nothing new, I cry everyday. Ive been to the cinema this evening with my son Jasper. It was nice to have some quality time with him as ive usually got Jesse with me. We watched Coraline in 3D. I love Tim Burton movies so I was excited to watch it in 3D. I felt sick on the way there, it was my anxiety but I pushed through and enjoyed my alone time with Jasper. I saw a TikTok that said 'staying alive incase something good happens' and thats what im doing. Staying alive because things have got to get better havent they? Ive been through so much in the past 4 years, from losing my 55 year old father to cancer, then 6 months after his death, I had cancer. Ive lost a few close family friends too and then to top it all off, my son dies. Its been alot to deal with but through it all, I fight to stay alive. When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up isnt it? Ive got to be...
Read more

September 26th Thursday.

-
Our sons inquest is complete and we can collect his belongings from Liverpool. Damian has gone to collect his things. I cant wait to just hold his belongings. Life is so hard. My son should still be here with me. Feel a bit deflated today. I guess when weve got his things back, its some sort of closure at least. Anyway, ive done the school run, then taken my dog out for a walk. Sick of thinking everyday, what to do for tea. Are you the same? You get sick of thinking everyday what to cook. Think ill get a take away tonight, I really cant be bothered to cook. I might go the gym later, I dunno. Not really sure how I feel today. Knocked me a bit sick knowing we get Jay-Dees things back today. Im sad today. Saying that, im sad every day who am I kidding! Since ive been on a higher dose of Olanzopine, the suicidal thoughts arent as bad, so thats a plus isnt it? God, life is hard work!! My dryer is on its way out, one minute it spins, the next its smoking. Fucking great! I could just scream o...
Read more