July 21st Monday. First day of the 6 week holidays.

Day 1 of the holidays, ive done nothing today. I didnt get of bed until 10:40. Had a massive lie in. I feel like shit, got no energy to do anything or go anywhere. Im just doing a load of washing, was going peg it out but its given out thunder storms on my weather app. Im tired of life today, I feel like life just sucks the life out of me. I know its the grief and the depression, ive just got to get through the day. Its quarter to 4 now, the day has gone pretty fast. Jasper slept last night so hes not long gone back home. I cant wait go bed, honestly, im so tired of being alive. I hope these next 6 weeks go fast and i can get back to a routine. It does me good to leave the house, even if it is just the school run and shops.Ive got a driving lesson in the morning so got to be up early, ill be taking Jesse with me. I did the last half term they had. He was as good as gold sat in the back, he didnt say a word. I keep thinking of giving up with the lessons but ive spent a fortune already and it would of all been for nothing, so im going to stick at it. Ill be driving eventually I hope. I get nervous before each lesson and I dont know why. I worry that ive forgotten what to do. I wish I was going on holiday this year, I feel bad that im not taking Jesse anywhere, but in all honesty, my mental health is a mess and my anxiety wont allow it. Ive got to get better for next year for when we go away. I need to push myself to do more before anxiety takes hold of me for good. I really want to get on a bus alone and prove to myself that I can do it, so thats my goal for when Jesse goes back school. Sounds stupid doesnt it? Crazy how anxiety can just stop your life. I use to be so outgoing and now I worry about walking the shops! Life is shit. Was going diet today but ended up eating leftover Dominos pizza for breakfast. I give up honestly, ive got zero will power. Ive done something to my back on the right hand side. I pulled it a few weeks ago and now its hurting again in the same place. Must of slept funny or something, I dunno. You know, it was so nice to get dressed up the other night for Jensens fight, I felt lovely, fat but lovely. I even wore mascara. Not been dressed up in forever so it was nice and it was nice to get out of the house too. I dont go out much anymore with me not drinking. I dont miss being in the pubs, when I think back to my drinking days, I cringe. I was such a mess when I was drinking, waking up in police cells every weekend and then the suicide attempts from feeling worthless. I still feel the same now, but sober me can fight the demons better than drunk me did. The last time I tried to kill myself was the day I brought my dads ashes home. That night I was sedated and put on breathing equiptment. Ill never forget my doctor saying to me that he was shocked I was alive after what was in my blood work. He said that wasnt a cry for help, it was to kill myself, and I cried when I said, I know. I promised myself after that night that I would fight harder for my children and never do it again, and here I am, still alive, fighting my demons.