July 15th Tuesday.

-
Dreamt about my dad last night, woke up feeling really upset. He was dying in my dreams and I was caring for him all over again. I held him as he took his last breath just like I did in real life. What a horrible dream to have. Relived his death all over again. How shit is that. I look forward to going sleep so there's a chance I get to see my dad and son, but I didn't want to see him poorly again. Oh my heart aches.
You know, I've been blogging now for 4 and a half years. I was thinking about it last night and it made me realise how long I've been suffering for. I was mentally unwell before my dad died and its just gotten worse with everything that's happened. Understandable. I was telling my friend this morning that if I didn't have my kids to keep me going, I'd be admitted into the Harplands. Its sad but true. Ive been under a psychiatrist now for a few years and im still mentally unwell. I have the odd days here and there where I feel ok, but deep down im not ok, I just cover my sadness better. I'm sad every day, that will never change, I'll just get better at hiding it from the world.
My son Jensen has got a charity fight Saturday night that he's been training for. Its a black tie event so I've got a shirt and trousers to wear because im gay and im not wearing a dress. I'm excited but nervous for him. I just hope he wins. Either way im proud of him. 
Ive been to Asda and the meat shop and im making a steak and potato pie for tea, im just cooking the meat now then im going peel my potatoes. I'm going my friends later to meet a few of my friends. We meet up a couple of times a week and it does us all good. We have a good natter and a few cups of tea. Since I went sober I lost all my drinking friends and gained a whole lot of sober friends. I'm over 3 and a half years sober now. I have the odd day here and there where I crave alcohol, it never goes away, but I don't give in. If I was still drinking my kids would of buried me by now. I stay sober for them and for my mental health. I'm suicidal sober so I know I'd kill myself in drink. I can sort of control the intrusive thoughts because im sober, so I've got to stay sober to stay alive. Its raining today and its cold. Can't win, its either too hot or too cold!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

August 26th Monday.

-
Its hard to believe we're nearly at the end of August. Time seems to be passing me by. I cried today but thats nothing new, I cry everyday. Ive been to the cinema this evening with my son Jasper. It was nice to have some quality time with him as ive usually got Jesse with me. We watched Coraline in 3D. I love Tim Burton movies so I was excited to watch it in 3D. I felt sick on the way there, it was my anxiety but I pushed through and enjoyed my alone time with Jasper. I saw a TikTok that said 'staying alive incase something good happens' and thats what im doing. Staying alive because things have got to get better havent they? Ive been through so much in the past 4 years, from losing my 55 year old father to cancer, then 6 months after his death, I had cancer. Ive lost a few close family friends too and then to top it all off, my son dies. Its been alot to deal with but through it all, I fight to stay alive. When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up isnt it? Ive got to be...
Read more

September 26th Thursday.

-
Our sons inquest is complete and we can collect his belongings from Liverpool. Damian has gone to collect his things. I cant wait to just hold his belongings. Life is so hard. My son should still be here with me. Feel a bit deflated today. I guess when weve got his things back, its some sort of closure at least. Anyway, ive done the school run, then taken my dog out for a walk. Sick of thinking everyday, what to do for tea. Are you the same? You get sick of thinking everyday what to cook. Think ill get a take away tonight, I really cant be bothered to cook. I might go the gym later, I dunno. Not really sure how I feel today. Knocked me a bit sick knowing we get Jay-Dees things back today. Im sad today. Saying that, im sad every day who am I kidding! Since ive been on a higher dose of Olanzopine, the suicidal thoughts arent as bad, so thats a plus isnt it? God, life is hard work!! My dryer is on its way out, one minute it spins, the next its smoking. Fucking great! I could just scream o...
Read more