July 28th Monday.

Had to wake up early today, my alarm was set for 8:30am so its alot earlier than I've been waking up. Anyway, the reason why is because Jesse was going swimming at half 9 with Damian. I waited for them to go and thought I'd go back bed, but then I couldn't fall asleep so I got dressed and went see my friend. I stayed with her for a few hours and we both went and visited one of our other friends so its been a good morning. Ive just done an online food shop which will be here soon and other than that, that's how my morning has been. I pulled the right side of my back a few weeks ago and its not been right since. You can tell im 41 now, bloody back ache!

Jasper slept last night so he's here with me now. Even though he doesnt live with me, I still see him everyday. I love it. I love having my children around me. I miss Jay-Dee so much, I just miss his smile and his face. I do hope that Jay-Dee and my dad are together. I pray they are. I miss them both so much. Its hard to live my life without them here with me, but im trying. I dont feel too bad today, think its done me good seeing my friend's. Not going lie, I am tired from getting up early. God help me when the holidays are over and I've got to get back into a routine and waking up at 7am. It kills me haha. I'm going find something watch on Netflix i think and make some food. My mate did me a toasted seaded bagel for breakfast with butter on and it was lovely with my cup of tea. I feel like the years are passing me by and I've got no recollection of them. Everything seems a blur. I'm guessing that's grief? My memory is shocking because of the trauma. Ive just got to keep making it through each day, like I am doing i guess.