July 29th Tuesday.

Been out for a carvery tonight with Jasper and Jesse-John. It was nice, did me good to get out of the house. I'm ok leaving the house with someone, its leaving the house alone that's the problem. Anyway, like I say, it did me good and the food was lovely. On the way home my mind wondered off to the thought of me slitting my wrists. I sat and thought about how I've not self harmed for over a year and my mind fantasised about slicing my wrists. There's something seriously wrong with me. Suicidal ideation is horrible to have. I thought I was doing ok, but im clearly not. Ive not sliced my wrists so that's good. The wanting to die outweighs the wanting to stay alive, yet here I am still alive. I'm not here through choice, because if I was given the choice, I'd choose death. I'm here for my children. I want to see them grow up then I can happily die. I'm such a morbid person, I always have been. Ive never been scared to die, think its the depression if im honest. I want to die and I dont want to die, all rolled into one. Oh the joys. Being alive shouldn't feel like hard work, but it is. Everyday is hard work trying to keep myself alive. One day im going to look back at all my blogs and smile because I've come out of all this happy. Ive got to get better, im desperate to feel happiness. A girl can dream, right?