July 26th Saturday.

I didn't get out of bed today until 11am and even then I didn't want to get up. I hate having to face another day being alive. Honestly my kids are the only reason I get out of bed, if I didn't have them I'd just rot in bed and wait to die. Ive done nothing today, had to get dressed because 2 of my friends came for a few hours, but that's about it. Take away night on a Saturday, not sure what im having yet. I'm thinking chicken tikka curry with a nan bread.

Started watching something called Under The Bridge on itvx and its based on true events, its good. I'm on episode 3 now. I love anything that's a true story. I watch alot of documentaries on murders and unsolved crimes. I love anything like that.

I feel like shit today, just feel a bit down. Probably because I've not left the house again. I'm tired and its only quarter past 4 in the afternoon. Maybe I've had too much sleep. To be fair I was still awake past 12 last night, took me ages fall asleep. I love being asleep because there's always a chance my son or dad can visit me in my dreams. Its very rare they do, but there's always that chance. I need to get out of the house tomorrow, not sure if im going church yet, I've not decided. I should go because it does me good. It all depends on whether Damian has Jesse or not because Jesse doesn't like coming church with me. I dont blame him, its my choice to go and its me that found Jesus, he's just not old enough to understand. He will when he's older and I tell him about how finding faith, saved my life. Ive been going church now for about 4 years, I look back at how I first went to Church and was just constantly breaking down in tears all the time and to see me now how far I've come, after everything I've been through. 

Changing the subject slightly, but, knowing my dad has got my son with him brings me some comfort. I'm glad they've both got each other in heaven. I honestly can't wait to see them both. I hope I die young, I dont want to get old. I dont want to have to live for many years before I see them both. I want to grow old enough to see my boys grow up, but not too old. Does that make sense to you? I dunno, like 60 or 70 that would do me. Not a single day goes by where I dont think about my dad and son, not one day. I know this will happen until the day I'm die. I could never get over the death of my father and son, their deaths flipped my world upside down. I feel empty inside. Ive lost my identity. My old life died with them, now im on a journey of self discovery. Now I have a new life that im learning to live.