July 22nd Tuesday.

-
Got up early today and went on my driving lesson. He keeps taking me over roundabouts and I hate it. I just start to panick and I don't know why. I'm ok with my clutch control and gears now. I should of just learnt in an automatic, but im too far in now. Think today was my 17th lesson and at £40 a time, im not about to give up. I nipped see my friend Rachael for a couple of hours this afternoon and that's about it.  After seeing Rachael and Ange I got home, got a shower and in fresh pjs. 
Day 2 of the holidays nearly done. I feel ok today. After my lesson Jesse and I walked to Asda to get snacks. Its not been a bad day. Everyday i think about dieting and every day I fail, so I just think fuck it. I give up, maybe this is the weight im meant to be, who knows. I'm sick of worrying everyday about my weight. Life's too short isn't it? 
It's only 8:20pm and I already can't wait to get into bed. I'm tired today. Ive got zero plans for tomorrow so I reckon I'll have a shitty mental health day. It does me the world of good to get out of the house. My sons ashes are by my fire and I find myself sitting for ages just staring at them in disbelief. I go bed and I look at my dads ashes on my draws and it just doesnt seem real. 2 lots of ashes in my house, ever likely im head fucked! One more death will finish me off for sure. Because I've lost a child, im scared I'll lose another. I know this is normal, but its doesnt help the situation. Thier ashes will stay with me until I die. There'll be no scattering of anyone's ashes whilst im alive. I'd rather have my dad and sons ashes with me, that way I know they're safe with me.
Anyway im going. Going make a cup of tea and get into bed.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

August 26th Monday.

-
Its hard to believe we're nearly at the end of August. Time seems to be passing me by. I cried today but thats nothing new, I cry everyday. Ive been to the cinema this evening with my son Jasper. It was nice to have some quality time with him as ive usually got Jesse with me. We watched Coraline in 3D. I love Tim Burton movies so I was excited to watch it in 3D. I felt sick on the way there, it was my anxiety but I pushed through and enjoyed my alone time with Jasper. I saw a TikTok that said 'staying alive incase something good happens' and thats what im doing. Staying alive because things have got to get better havent they? Ive been through so much in the past 4 years, from losing my 55 year old father to cancer, then 6 months after his death, I had cancer. Ive lost a few close family friends too and then to top it all off, my son dies. Its been alot to deal with but through it all, I fight to stay alive. When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up isnt it? Ive got to be...
Read more

September 26th Thursday.

-
Our sons inquest is complete and we can collect his belongings from Liverpool. Damian has gone to collect his things. I cant wait to just hold his belongings. Life is so hard. My son should still be here with me. Feel a bit deflated today. I guess when weve got his things back, its some sort of closure at least. Anyway, ive done the school run, then taken my dog out for a walk. Sick of thinking everyday, what to do for tea. Are you the same? You get sick of thinking everyday what to cook. Think ill get a take away tonight, I really cant be bothered to cook. I might go the gym later, I dunno. Not really sure how I feel today. Knocked me a bit sick knowing we get Jay-Dees things back today. Im sad today. Saying that, im sad every day who am I kidding! Since ive been on a higher dose of Olanzopine, the suicidal thoughts arent as bad, so thats a plus isnt it? God, life is hard work!! My dryer is on its way out, one minute it spins, the next its smoking. Fucking great! I could just scream o...
Read more