July 31st Thursday.

Jay-Dees favourite movie was Everything Everywhere All At Once. He said it changed his outlook on life. Its a weird film, I've watched it twice and it really opens up your mind. He brought himself the canvas of the movie and its still hung where he hung it in his room. Ive painted the room for Jesse to have and still hung his canvas back up. It will stay there forever. Jesse still calls it Jay-Dees room, bless him. Ive left the house today, I've been Asda with Jesse. Came back home and got into clean pjs. Jasper is sleeping tonight, he started sleeping on a Thursday now so he can game with his mates Saturday night. I dont mind what night he sleeps, so its all good.

Thinking about Jay-Dee alot today, I think of him everyday but today its heavy. I still dont understand why he took his own life and I guess I'll never know until I see him again. My heart aches for my dad and my son. I got to hold my dad as he took his last breath. I never got to say goodbye to my son. I picture him lying in his coffin from when I saw him in the Chapel Of Rest. My heart aches. I miss my dad and son so much. Its 5 years in November since my dad passed away at the young age of 55. 

5 years and im still struggling with his death. Its been over a year for my son. I still can't accept that he's gone. How will I ever get better mentally after everything that's happened? I dont see how i bounce back from 3 lots of trauma in the space of 4 years. I fear I maybe lost forever and that's scary. I know its just a bad day, I tell myself that alot. Tomorrow will be better, if I get up early in the morning im going church for breakfast with my friend Tom and my brother comes after work on a friday for the day, so i know ill feel better tomorrow, well, for a few hours at least.

My paint brush has just arrived to do the cutting in, in Jesse's room and then its done. I'll always see that room as Jay-Dees room and that makes me sad. I feel dead inside today, I've got nothing in me. If im honest I wish I was dead, but to the outside world I look absolutely fine. If only they knew.