July 14th Monday.

I feel angry today, angry that my sons life was cut short. Angry that cancer took my dad from me. I knew my better days wouldn't last. I remember when I was having counselling with Dove Bereavement, after the death of my father, I remember them saying you can revisit stages of grief over and over again. I thought I was getting better. How cruel is my mental health, I have a few days where im feeling ok and then boom back to feeling shitty. I'm so heartbroken. Not a day goes by where I don't think of my dad and son, even on my better days, i still think of them both. Their deaths consume me most days, grieving is horrible.

I got out of bed this morning and I took Jesse school, I went the cafe for an hour to see my friends and then went Asda to get stuff for a spag bol for tea, then I walked home with my shopping. That's a big deal to me because I usually taxi back because of my anxiety, but today I walked so im proud of myself.

I'm just doing a load of washing so I can peg it out before tomorrow's downfall of rain that its forecast, then im going to lie on the settee and wish my day away.

You know what im sick of, besides my shitty mental health? My medication! I'm sick of having to take morning meds and night time meds just to stay afloat. I'm sick of it, but i know I need them. Life's shit. Imagine losing a parent, having cancer and then losing a child.. honestly my head is fucked! Just when I think im getting better, life shows me that im not. I feel fed up today. My house is a mess and so is my life. I just keep thinking, its just a bad day and tomorrow will be better. To be fair though I have had a few better days so I shouldn't really complain, I just wish they'd last. I wish I was truly happy, but im not and after everything, will I ever be happy again? What if this is me forever the rest of my life? I can't live my life like this. It drains you. From one day to the next I never know how im going to feel. Will I have a better day or a sad day? Who knows, I surely don't that's for sure. I have to wake up and just deal with my emotions. Honestly, its bloody tiring.

I look in the mirror and hate what I see, i try diet every week and fail miserably by Monday tea time. Gone one better this week, woke up ready to eat healthy and my friend brought me a cup of tea and a yum yum for my breakfast. Epic fail. I give up! My whole life is a mess and im sick of it, but what can I do to change it? I don't know. Maybe if my mental health was better I'd feel better.

I had a letter about the trauma therapy im being referred to and it says I've been accepted and they'll let me know when its going to start. Let's hope its not too long. 

I still say now that Olanzopine saved my life. I had a mental breakdown a few years ago and I was ready to kill myself, Olanzopine saved me. I was suffering so bad with insomnia and now my sleeping is alot better than it was, I still wake up a few times through the night but its a massive improvement of what it was. I was getting about 3 hours sleep a night, I was going insane. When I sit and think about how unwell I was before I started Olanzopine, its crazy how far I've come. I'm not better mentally, but im better than I was.

I'm proud of myself for not killing myself already. I welcome death. I'm not scared of dying, im scared of leaving my boys behind when they need me. I have to get through these bad days because my children need their mum. It makes me sad that I can't kill myself, I'd love to just end it all and be done with life. Why did God choose me to fight so many battles? 

I'm stressing about next years holiday ive booked. Next year and I've already got anxiety about it! Ive got to get better before next year. 

God i could just scream!!