July 30th Wednesday.

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Finished painting Jesse's room today, i say finished, I've got the cutting in to do. Other than that im done. Going try get the cutting in done tomorrow.  Its been a shit day today, been stuck in all day. I hate it. I feel trapped in my own mind when im stuck in doing nothing. My mind goes on overdrive, I sit thinking about my son and dad. I prefer it when im doing something to calm the mind. Jasper's here now so its not too bad. I'm going force myself to get dressed tomorrow, I need to go Asda and do some shopping. Ive had an Iceland food shop delivered, so my freezer is full. I need some fresh foods. I also need a vape so definitely leaving the house tomorrow,  even if it is just for the shops. Its 4:25pm now and i already can't wait go bed. Ive not thought about suicide today Amen. Half way through week 2 of the holidays, it seems to be dragging. Ive got to buy Jesse's uniform this week so its here on time. My sister was telling me what she's got to buy for her 3 kids and it made me thankful that 3 of mine are grown and out of school. Thank god ive only got Jesse to buy for now. I dont know how I use to do it with all of mine in school, it use to cost a fortune. I'd give anything to go back to when my kids were all small, I'd give anything to have Jay-Dee back with me. (Sigh) I miss my son and my dad so much.
The pain never goes away.
I was thinking last night, I've been blogging for over 4 years now, it made me realise how long I've been mentally unwell for. I will get better though, im determined. 

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