July 5th Saturday.

Losing my dad and son has destroyed me. I think about them every single day and still can't believe they're gone. I don't know how im getting through each day I'll be honest, its a battle to stay alive. I just want to give in. I just want to kill myself. I can't though, i can't leave my boys with no mother. As much as I want to die, I can't do it. 

I keep waiting for God to send me someone to love me, someone to show me true happiness, someone who will be there for me on my darkest days. Someone to give me hope for the future. I'm ok being on my own, but it would be nice to meet someone to love. I know when God's timing is right, he'll send me someone, I've just got to get better first, mentally. 

Jensen hasn't been work the past week, he's not doing well with his mental health I think. Jesse's school has referred him for bereavement counselling because he cries alot at school over the death of his grandad and brother. Jasper dropped out of college because his brother died. We're all struggling daily. Death has affected us all in different ways. I wish I was dead everyday, so god knows how my children are feeling. Losing their brother has hurt them more than they show.

I wish it was all a bad dream!

I dreamt about my kids last night, I remember them being in the back of a car and me asking them if they were ok and they said yes. That's all I remember. 

I think i love bed time because there's a chance I get to see my father and son in my dreams. It doesnt happen often, but when it does it makes me happy.

Ive got no plans for the weekend, im feeling pretty low, but then again when aren't I feeling low. Its become part of my life now. I feel low everyday.

I wish I could take my boys pain away, I'd do anything to ease their grief. 

I want to feel better too, im tired of fighting for my life everyday. Depression will kill me one day, I know it will.

My son didn't want to die, he went to get a hair cut the morning of his rave. Who gets a hair cut then kills themselves? It was the fucking drugs!!! Recreational drugs and my son ends up dead. I could scream. I would do anything to turn back the hands of time. I would do anything to see my child one more time. My heart aches for my dad and my son. I don't know how to live a life without them. I lost them and then I lost me. I lost my identity. I lost my spark. I lost everything. 

I'm grateful for my living children, but im grieving the loss of my son and dad.