July 27th Sunday.

I'm not doing anything today, i feel rubbish. Didn't get out of bed till 11am and even then I didn't want to get up. I feel drained. I'm going force myself to shower soon and wash my hair. Grief is heavy today. I need to do something to occupy my mind. Being stuck in the house makes me feel worse than I already do. My friend wants me go hers but I just dont feel upto socialising. I could easily go back sleep. I hate being awake. I know its the depression. I hate suffering with depression and having anxiety too makes it even worse. Hopefully I'll feel better after my shower. I hate the way I feel. I can't keep living like this. Everyday is a battle to get through. I'm so fed up of living. I keep thinking about my life and how repetitive it is, I do the school run, I see my friends, I go the shops. That's it, I go out now and again. Why can't I just be happy with that? Why do I constantly feel this way? What can I do to improve my life? How do you carry on living after the death of my father and son? I'm trying my best to get better but most days are heavy. I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders and I dont know what to do about it. I always feel a bit better after I've blogged about my misery. I keep thinking about the holiday I've booked for next year and I've already got anxiety about it. I worry about everything, its not good. How am I ever going to get better? I'm trying so hard with life, I really am, yet I still feel so depressed. 

I feel suicidal today, i could happily kill myself, but dont worry, I won't do it. I couldn't leave my kids behind. They're the only reason im living this life. I'm simply just surviving, one day I hope to be thriving.