July 9th Wednesday.

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So my son Jensen was awake all night, he's not been sleeping too good, but anyway, before school this morning he asked me if I wanted him take me Hanley. Its like God knew i was worried about going and Jensen took me. Amen. We were only out the house a couple of hours, but it was nice to spend time with him. We went a coffee shop and sat and had coffee together. It was a nice morning. I went to H&M and managed to find some black trousers, Jensen brought some shorts because he's going Colombia next month to see his girlfriend. We went McDonald's before heading home and Jensen brought me some breakfast. 
Tell you what, I might be mentally ill and I have been for many years, but I've brought my boys up well. They're lovely, well mannered boys. I'm so unbelievably blessed to of birthed 4 boys. Just makes me sad that Jay-Dee isn't here anymore. I have to tell myself that my son and my dad are in a better place than I am. This is hell on earth. Well it is for me anyway, but I know im going to get better. I'll go to group therapy for the trauma and hopefully it will help me. Anxiety is what I need to overcome, its ruining my life. 
Ive not long go back from my friends house, I nipped to see her and had a couple of cups of tea. Today has done me good. I still need to brave Hanley alone at some point to get over my fear. There's nothing to be scared of so why am I suffering with anxiety? I hate my life! 
Anyway, regardless, I managed to walk around Hanley, granted i was with my son, but it was still a big thing to do. I'm winning today, of course I feel depressed but I managed to put a smile on my face and do stuff today. Wouldn't say no to dying, but today im glad im alive.

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