July 25th Friday.

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Had my brother here today for a few hours after he finished work, so that broke my day up. Nearly at the end of week one of the holidays. The past week has gone fast.
Ive done some washing and pegged it out whilst the weather is nice, had myself a shower and got back into clean pjs. Every day I wake, I look forward to going back bed. I think its the depression. I spoke to my dad and son earlier whilst I was sat on the step thinking about life. I asked them to send me a sign that they're with me. I was sat thinking about life and how im not doing anything with my life. I purely exist for my kids. Its sad isn't it? I dont know what my purpose is, I know i was meant to be a mum, but what else? I have to tell myself its God's timing not mine. Everything will fall into place. I just have to trust that God will deliver. I just want to feel happiness, im not asking for alot, just happiness. I doubt I will ever be truly happy, now that my dad and son are gone, but I just want to be happier than I am now. I trust that God has a plan for me, im still here for a reason. I remember telling my psychiatrist that I have no purpose other than being a mum, and she said what if that is your purpose? What if this is my life forever? Living purely for my children? I can't live like this forever, somethings got to change. I wish I was well enough to work, but you and I both know im not. I need to get better first. I'd love nothing more than to have a job around school hours, something to give me a purpose. Ive been battling with depression for years and years and it plummeted when my dad died. Then I had cancer and it got worse, and then my son died, and now i dont know who I am anymore. Everyone around me is living their life and im stuck grieving and fighting depression. I wake up everyday morning and im gutted I wake up, then in the next breath im thankful I get to see my living children. Ive got a love hate relationship with being alive. Want to see my dad and son, and I want to see my living children. Damn life is hard!
I'm stronger than I think, I've got to be strong to live each day, when all I want to do is die.
Happy Friday. 

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