July 16th Wednesday.

I can't describe the pain I feel inside over the death of my father and son. It hits me everyday that they're gone and ill never see them again. My brain can't comprehend the fact that they're gone. Everyday i wish I could see them, hear their voice, see their smile. Everyday my heart breaks over and over again. I have a constant ache inside, my heart feels heavy. Grief is waying me down. I can't see a way out of how I feel, only death. Ive been under my psychiatrist now for a few years and she's not really done anything to help me except prescribe medication. Yes, the medication helps, because god knows how I'd be now without it, but it hasn't fixed how I feel. Its just numbed the pain. My heart hurts and I know it can't be fixed. The only way out of this is death and that's not an option. Once again, I can't leave my children behind. I wake up everyday and im gutted that I wake up. I just wish I could sleep the day away. The pain is unbearable most days, I see my friends regularly, but I ask myself this.. is this my life forever? I can't live with this pain forever. I'm grieving and I know ill be grieving forever. Nothing will change that. I'm trying to get on with life, I go out with my friends, when inside in all honesty, I'd rather just lie in bed. I force myself to socialise, I literally tell myself to go so I don't become trapped in this house. I find no enjoyment in life. Zero joy. I hate waking up to another day. I hate life. I hate being alive. THE only thing I enjoy in life is seeing my children everyday, other than that I get no pleasure out of being alive. It's sad, but its true. What a sad life I live. I'm praying the trauma therapy starts soon because I need coping mechanisms. I need hope for the future because I don't see myself having a future. Depression will kill me one day if I don't start to feel better. I don't want medication thrown at me, I need help. I need someone to say its going to be ok. Unfortunately, deep down I know its never going to be ok. I'll be grieving forever, but I need ways to deal with it, that's what im hoping to get from therapy. 

I have driving lessons fortnightly and I think to myself, when im driving i could drive off the edge of a cliff, or into on coming traffic. Why am I having lessons? I wouldn't do it, but the thought is there so who knows? I'm hoping to have more freedom when im driving, im hoping it improves my life, that's why im having lessons. I'm just having a shit day again! I could cry, why my son and my dad? I don't want to live this life without them. I know i have no choice, I know that's what you're thinking. Its hard you know, their deaths have had a massive impact on my life. Their deaths have destroyed me. I was mentally unwell before my dad's death, but now its even worse. I keep thinking to myself, it took 4 years to start to deal with the death of my father and I still struggle most days, but to then lose a child.. how do you come back from the death of a child? It's going to take years isn't it. I'm 41, I should be enjoying life. I should be smiling and not fake smiling like I do everyday. Life is hard work, but I tell you one thing, im no quitter. I might struggle everyday, but I get up everyday and I try to live this life I've been given.