July 24th Thursday.

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Doing alot better today, been out the house a few times so its done me good. Nipped Home Bargains with Jensen so we could buy some energy drinks. The Monster energy drink is £7 for 9 cans and its sugar free. Went Asda and then Jensen and Jasper came Just Kidding with me and Jesse. The boys went in play with Jesse, I was just sat there alone taking it all in with a smile on my face, watching the 3 boys play with each other. I felt proud of how well I've brought my children up and I  at the same time my mind wondered to Jay-Dee. Wishing he was here with us all and then my heart sank. I went back to watching my boys chase each other around the wacky warehouse and it filled my heart. I overcome the sadness by reminding myself that my boys need me. I saw a girl I know at Just Kidding and she asked me how I was doing, I told her im just living day to day. I know I've booked a holiday next year and that's my goal to get better mentally. I'm hoping the therapy helps.
As much as I've loved going out with my 3 boys, my heart aches for the child i dont have with me anymore. Its a silent ache, no tears, just a deep sadness inside. You can feel your heart go heavy like its pulling down on your chest. Grief is horrible. The firsts are always the hardest. Doing family activities without Jay-Dee is hard work. Today I genuinely smiled watching my boys. I'm in bed now writing this blog, its 9:20pm and I can't wait go sleep so goodnight.

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