July 23rd Wednesday.

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Had a boring day, cleaned around, did some washing and got it dried on the line. I went my friends for a few hours this evening, which broke my day up and that's it. Ive book Just Kidding for tomorrow tea time to take Jesse for a few hours. Jasper said he'll come with me so that'll be nice. Mentally I've had a shitty day, im glad im sat on my own now so I dont have to fake smile. I can see that im functioning whilst having depression. I'm not sure how, but I am. Granted I get anxiety about doing certain things, but that's something im trying to overcome. That's why I visit my friends, I push myself to leave the house, even when I dont want to. I didn't want leave the house earlier, but I pushed myself to go so I dont become consumed by my house. I know how easy it is to hit rock bottom and that's why im fighting so hard to stay afloat. I knew yesterday that today would be shit because I had nothing planned. Its 20 past 9 at night and im sat drinking a Monster energy drink.. 
I think to myself some times that I should really start dating, so I can meet someone to love me, but if im honest, Jay-Dees death has destroyed me. I'm not mentally well enough to even start dating. I'm fucked in the head. I feel like im carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, I've not got the energy for the small talk. I really haven't got the energy to meet anyone. But when will I? What if this is my life forever? Surely the grief will ease as time goes on. I pray that I'll get better mentally. I pray that god has a plan for me and i just need to ride it out. I pray alot and im still here. Anyway, im going bed.

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