August 16th Sunday.

I hand on heart dont know how i get through each day. Im drowning in grief. I feel like i can't do this anymore. Im heartbroken. The days are passing me by and my grief is getting worse. I miss them more and more as the days go on. Ive got no motivation. Jesse has gone Chester Zoo and I was meant be meeting a friend, but ive got zero motivation. Im still sat in my pjs and its 3.45pm.

Im so tired, I could just get into bed. I just need some time alone to gather my thoughts, I need a few days in bed to just lie there. I need to sit in a room by myself and just breathe. Can't do any of that though because of the boys and my animals. I guess its a blessing really because it forces me to get up. 

I wish I could tell you how I feel inside, but its just numb. I want to scream at the world for taking my dad and son from me. I want to cry, but I have to stay strong for my boys. 

To look at me you wouldnt know that I was dead inside. I smile and talk like im fine, but im not. Im far from fine. Depression is killing me slowly. 

I want to walk the dog, but i dont want to do it alone. Fucking anxiety!! Arrggghhh I fucking hate what death has done to me.

Its destroyed who I was. 

The old Ann-Louise is dead, this new version is trying so hard to survive all the trauma that has happened, but im really struggling. 

God im tired. Im so tired of this life. I honestly wish I could just end it all and be done with. It would destroy my boys though and thats what keeps me going. 

I just want my dad to tell me ill be ok, I miss him. I would tell my dad everything and he was always there for me. Its hit me hard losing him. I just want to see my sons cheeky smile he had when id say something dumb, or hed jump scare me in the kitchen. I miss my child.

I am broken. The copious amounts of medication are stopping me from killing myself, but they're not fixing me. They're not making me happy. I just want to feel happiness. I just want to feel something, anything besides sadness. 

Im going put some clothes on and force myself to walk my dog. Im going to do it before this house consumes me.

Right, im finishing this blog and im getting dressed. Pray for me please. Pray for strength because I need it so bad..