August 27th Thursday.

-
Well ive woken up feeling so deflated. I fucking hate depression. Im just sat feeling so low. I just miss my dad and son so much. Its 11.50am ive been up about an hour and I could just go back sleep. Ive already had enough of today. God im so tired and drained. Its raining and I need go the shops. I still haven't collected my medication. Everything feels overwhelming. I just need to breathe. 
I wish my son could of come to me and told me how he was feeling. Saying that, I only tell my blog how im feeling so I guess I can understand. I wish I could of saved him. I wish I could of saved my dad, why didn't I ask about clinical trials? I just wish id of done more. Why didn't I wake through the night to message Jay-Dee? Why didn't my body wake me up, where were my mother's instincts? I just hate that they're both dead. I hate having PTSD because I just keep reliving everything, every day. I hate having EUPD because I just can't keep up with the changes in my mood every day. I could just sleep my life away and I know its the depression. I felt ok yesterday, so I know ill feel ok again at some point. Im going have to get dressed and go the shop in this rain. Anyway, happy Thursday..
Just put Jay-Dees favourite song on, This Charming Man by The Smiths. God i miss my child so much :(

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

March 1st Sunday.

-
Natalie bombarded me with messages last night, pissed me right off. Telling me she loves me, so this morning ive told her its infatuation and she can't possibly love me and to leave me alone. Ive got enough shit going on in my head without her adding to it. Fuck it off! Life's so much easier being single. Just me and my boys. Going eat what I want today then start calorie counting tomorrow, try shift some weight. Got us all a McDonald's breakfast this morning haha. Don't know how im going stick to a diet, but im going try my best. Getting my hair done tomorrow, really can't be bothered, but my roots are so bad. Thank god my mums a hairdresser haha. I feel ok today, better than I have done the past few days/weeks. Im cooking a gammon joint for dinner. Still need wash my slow cooker, but that can wait till tomorrow. Trying stay positive today and be more thankful. Its hard when you're depressed and grieving. I pray im not like this forever because its horrible. Yo...
Read more

June 14th My Son Is Coming Home.

-
The coroner has rang today and the funeral home. My son will be getting collected from Liverpool, Monday morning. Which means I can hopefully see him Tuesday. Its Friday today. It will be over 2 weeks since I last saw my child. As a mother, my body is yearning to see my son. I just need to hold him and kiss him on his head. I feel sickness to the pit of my stomach, I'm dreading seeing my baby in a coffin, I'm dreading the funeral. This shouldn't be happening. His funeral will be July 1st at 12.15. I just feel numb. Im convinced its not my son and he'll just arrive home at some point.. I feel hollow with a sick feeling in my stomach. A few of my friends delivered me a beautiful canvas of my son this morning. What beautiful, thoughtful people I have in my life. I don't really know how I feel or what to say, I don't understand how I'm still alive. I'm lost...
Read more

June 28th Sunday.

-
Packed mine and Jesse's holiday stuff today. We're only taking hand luggage because we're only away for 6 days. Weve got plenty to take and it fits in our hand luggage bags perfectly. That way we dont have to check anything in at the airport, straight to security. Ive just shaved my legs and sliced one of them open fuck sake. Ive put a plaster on and the blood is seeping through. Made a right mess of my leg, just in time for holiday, perfect!. 3 days to go. This time next week ill be sat by the pool catching some rays of sunshine. From booking it last year, its come around so fast. Im excited and nervous.  Was going go see my friends today, but ive cancelled. Decided do my packing instead. Ive not changed any money, im just going pay on my phone for things. Do I need tell the bank im going away? Will my card get frozen? I didn't think about that. Im just over thinking everything. Im nervous. Like I said its been a few years since ive been abroad. Im sure ill be fine wit...
Read more