August 20th Thursday.

2 of my friends came to visit me today for a few hours. I was going to cancel, but I didn't. I needed to feel normal, even if it was only a few hours. I ended up having a breakdown and crying. I told them how depressed I am and how suicidal I feel. I was crying that badly that I could barely talk. I told them how bad my depression has been this past week and how much I want to end it all, but I couldnt bare to leave my children. I just got everything off my chest about how ive been feeling. They were so supportive and caring. I said about how ive thought about taking all my tablets one night before bed and not waking up, about how ive thought about hanging myself or jumping off the bridge in Hanley. I just got everything off my chest. I needed to tell someone about how bad im feeling. I literally broke my heart. I reassured them that I couldnt leave my kids. I couldnt bare my kids to feel the way I feel about losing a parent. I told my friends that I was already grieving my dad and then my son died. Im so lost in life. 

My friend said I should get a shelf put up in the living room to put my sons and dads ashes on because I said how its breaking my heart seeing them both in different rooms, where ever im sat i see ashes and she said its not getting rid of them, its just making a little corner for them both in the living room. She's right, it kills me sitting in the living room because my son is on the fire and when I go bed my dad is on my draws, so putting a shelf up is a good idea.

I feel so much better since ive cried and actually told people how bad my depression and grief is. Feel like a weight has been lifted. I told them that I know i have "better days" and thats what keeps me going. My kids are a key factor to my existence. This depressive state im in is lasting longer than it usually does. I wouldnt wish depression on anyone. Its trying so hard to kill me, I just wont give in! I was saying whilst crying that I dont know how im still sober, after everything, ive still not touched a drink of alcohol and you know what they said? Im an inspiration. I dont feel like one, but it was lovely of them to say. Ive got to get dressed tomorrow and leave the house, got to go Hanley Boots to collect my glasses. Got anxiety about going, but once again, ill force myself to leave the house. Im trying my hardest to survive these dark days. I am so thankful for the friends I have.