August 7th Friday.

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Had a low day today. Made a few tiktoks about Jay-Dee, then I found myself scrolling through tiktoks ive made of Jay-Dee and my dad and its made me feel even worse. Im so sad inside and ive got to live the rest of my life feeling this way. Its horrible. I feel empty inside. Losing my dad and son has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and ive had cancer. Death has destroyed me inside. I walk around smiling at people and all I really want to do is lie in my bed and cry. Im a mother to 3 other boys so I have no choice but to carry on. Im trying my best to live, but im not living, im just surviving. My head is literally above water. My body is submerged. Dont know how im meant to live the rest of my life feeling the way I do. Jensen took me the barbers earlier so him and Jesse could get a hair cut and i looked at myself in the mirror and hated what was looking back at me. Im just not happy about being alive. I wish I loved me, but I dont. How am I meant to keep living like this? The pain i feel inside i just can't describe. I am a broken woman. 

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