August 25th Tuesday.

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Finally showered and washed my hair. Forced myself to do it today. Feeling a bit better today. Taken my dog for a little walk, a bit of fresh air did me good.
Its 9.05pm and im sat here thinking about when the police officer told me my son was dead. Still doesnt seem real. Keep hoping to wake up from this nightmare im living. Why my son? Ill never understand. Why my dad? I question my faith some times because, why did God let this happen? Keep telling myself hes got a plan for me, but im tired of waiting for something good to come from all this. Why did I have cancer and survive when it killed my father? So many whys. 
Anyway, got be up at 8am tomorrow to wake Jasper up. Its his first day at work tomorrow. Ive told him, if he doesnt like it, come home. Life's too short to stay in a shitty job. Hes nervous and im nervous for him. Hes only 18, hes still my baby.
Jensen is 23 on Sunday and then him and Jay-Dee are always the same age for 30 days until Jay-Dee turns 24 the end of next month. My Irish twins. Breaks my heart not having Jay-Dee here. I still buy him a cake on his birthday. 
Anyway, im going sleep now so goodnight. 

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