August 19th Wednesday.

Felt so low for a while now and can't seem to snap out of it. Thought id blogged yesterday, but I must of forgot. I can't seem to come to terms with the death of my father and son. I know they're dead, so why can't I deal with it. What am I doing wrong? In 3 months it will be 6 years since I lost my dad. Ive been grieving for years and years, and then I lost my son. Its been over 2 years since he killed himself and I just can't come to terms with losing them both. I see other people who have lost people they love and they're still living their life. I feel like my life has stopped and everyone around me is living. I dont know what to do to make things better. 

Ive forced myself to get dressed today and have a walk to Heron with Jesse to get some pop and snacks in. We did taxi back though. Was nice to get some fresh air. I was having a hot sweat at the till and the lady said shes been having them for 8 years. Couldn't be bothered to tell her ive been going through the Menopause for 5 years because of having cancer, so I just said 'oh god'. Im that depressed, I can't be bothered to have a conversation with anyone. 

My friend wanted come today and i told her im going my sisters because I just dont want to socialise. I was meant be going my sisters but she cancelled because shes not slept well last night. I was happy she cancelled because I couldnt be bothered to go and make conversations. 

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I feel like im in the depths of depression, I feel really really low. Like, I could easily kill myself. Keep thinking of all the medication ive got in and how easy it would be to take it all before bed, go to sleep and not wake up, but then my kids would have to find me dead, so I just can't do it! Fuuuccckkkkk!!

I hate that ive got no choice, but to keep going for my kids. I fucking hate my life..