August 15th Saturday.

Spent the whole day thinking about my father and son and how much i miss them both, looking at photos and videos of the both of them. Im so heartbroken. My dad was my best friend and my son was my protector. 

They say death changes you as a person, to lose two people you love really has changed me. Ive become quiet, an introvert you could say. I keep myself to myself. I have sober friends now, im a Christian. I pray for strength everyday. I listen to music lyrics, like, I hear what they're saying. I say i love you to my friends and family every single day. Im the most depressed ive ever been in my life. 

Death didn't just change me, it flipped my world upside down.

Im a broken woman learning to live this life like its my first time on earth. Everything feels new to me, I get scared of going to the shop on my own, death gave me anxiety amongst everything else. Im never going to feel peace until im dead. Until im reunited with me father and son. My world is dark, everything feels heavy. Waking up in the morning is a task, because I dont want to get up and do life. I wake up and count down the hours until I can go bed again. Death made me spend more time with my children, im more present. When they're speaking to me I pause the tv and close my phone. I pay more attention to the little things, like when Jesse wraps his arms around me, i hug him back tightly because you never know if its going to be the last hug I get. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.

I watched my dad slowly die for 19 months and it still didn't prepare me for when he took his last breath. His last slow exhale as I held his frail hands. I text my son saying I love you and I never saw him again. Visiting my dad and son in the Chapel Of Rest will stay with me forever. Ive got a photo of my dad in his coffin, I took one of my son in his, but deleted it because of all of his injuries he had from falling to his death. I couldnt bare to see that image of him in my phone. It will haunt me forever. Damian was right not seeing him in his coffin because that vision will haunt me forever. 

Ive sat front row at two funerals and im scared ill lose another child.

I am a grieving daughter and a grieving mother and I will be until I die.

Im not having the best day. I need to get out of the house, but ive got no motivation. Going force myself tomorrow to get dressed and take my dog for a walk.

Its 6.14pm now, not long until I go bed. Thank God...