August 9th Sunday.

Mental health is shit again, wish I could just end my life and be done with. Its 4.26pm, I didn't get out of bed till 11am and if it wasn't for Jesse telling me he wants his breakfast, then id of stayed in bed. Im tired, im so fucking tired of being alive. I need a break from life, I need a quiet room to just sit in and cry on my own. There's 2 parts to me. An Ann-Louise that wants to die and a Ann-Louise that wishes she was happier for her kids. An Ann-Louise that needs to stay alive for her kids. Ive got no motivation in me, the 6 week holidays are merging into one, before I know it Jesse will be starting year 6 and ive got to go back to doing the school runs. Thought I was getting better last week when I was feeling ok, should of known it wouldnt last! Jensen treated us all to breakfast this morning. Hes such a lovely young man. Im so proud of how my boys have turned out. Absolutely guts me that Jay-Dee killed himself. It kills me inside. The pain from losing a child is unbearable. I honestly dont know how im still going. Losing my dad, my best friend in the whole world has killed me. How am I still sober when all I want to do is drink a big bottle of whiskey, take a handful of medication and call it a day? Like seriously, where is my strength coming from to stay alive? I dont know if i can live the rest of my life feeling this way. I honestly think depression will take my life one day. Its just a matter of time. Ive got make tea and you know what? Ive not even got the energy to do it, but i know ive got to. I just want to lie in bed and rot away. I wish id just go bed one night and pass away peacefully in my sleep, but God keeps waking me up for a reason and that reason is my boys. My reasons to live.