August 31st Monday.

I was just sat thinking about when I told my dad, whilst he was battling cancer, that the funeral home wouldnt collect his body when he dies unless i had £1500 upfront and when my dad passed away, I found £1500 in money bags that he had sorted out for me. Breaks my heart. He had 2 lots of life insurance I had to sort out after id registered his death and then I had to plan his funeral. I remember everything from him dying to me sorting all of his bungalow out and his finances. 

When my son died, luckily I had Damian to help with everything.

Planning 2 funerals will stay with me forever. Its just heartbreaking. 

I relive these things everyday, i guess thats the PTSD..

I could cry today, im so sad. I just want my dad and son back and I know its not possible. It kills me inside. 

I was a daddy's girl through and through, I did everything with my dad. I saw him every single day. He was my drinking partner. One of the reasons I gave up alcohol after my dad passed away, drinking was no fun without him.

My son was my baby, even aged 21, he was still my baby and I miss him so much.

Why can't I deal with death? Why do I relive everything daily? Why is life torturing me? What did I do that was so wrong in life to be made to suffer like this? 

I told God how sorry I was for things ive done in the past, I was vile when I was drinking and im so sorry for my behaviour. Ive been making things right since I went sober, so why is life treating me the way it is? Im so tired of fighting for happiness that I never get.

I wish this was all a bad dream that ill wake up from soon.

What if life is a dream and when we die, we wake up?? Makes you think, doesnt it?

Its hard to put into words just how much I miss my dad and son. Forever 55 & Forever 21.