Cancer, Depression and Me.

Been up since 8am, Jesse went the cinema at quarter past 9 with Damian and Mabel. Hes still out now. Hes living his best life. If it wasn't for Damian and Louise, Jesse would only have me. Damian takes him out all the time. He treats him like he treats his own and for that im forever grateful. Jesse thinks Damian is his father and that's ok with me. I love the bond they have. Jasper slept last night and has not long gone home. Ive hoovered and polished my living room and ive sat down and the first thing ive thought about was, why did my son kill himself? I just can't get it out of my head. It doesnt seem real that my son is dead. I hate my own head. I'm sick of over thinking about everything. Polishing my sons urn kills me inside. I shouldn't be polishing a wooden box, he should still be here with me. I hate myself for not waking up through the night to message him, the morning he died. 5.30am my son stepped off the 17th floor of a multistory car park. I could screa...

So i did as I said I would yesterday, i got up, got dressed & Jesse and we went Asda for goodies. I always let him pick his own snacks, he carries his own basket. He melts my heart. How could I even consider suicide when I have my children to live for. I hate how mentally ill i am. I fight suicidal thoughts daily, wishing I was dead, but also, grateful im alive. My head is fucked. I feel like ive got one foot in the future and one foot stuck in grief. Stuck thinking about the past, when my father and son were alive. Its like im living 2 lives. One minute I can be fine and the next I want to die. Its fucking torture. My own head is torture. I'm sick of blogging about how mentally unwell I am. I want to write a happier blog. I want a full day where I feel ok. I'm not asking for much, just better mental health. They say try and count how many things you're grateful for and its just my kids. I'm grateful for my kids that's it. I'm grateful I woke up again to see...

Just sat reliving the morning i had a knock on the door off the police. Never in a million years would i have guessed what that police officer was going to say. That my son was dead! I remember shaking as I rang Damian and had to tell him his son was dead. He was at my house within minutes. Nothing can ever prepare you for child loss. With my dad we had 19 months of watching him die. I dont know what's worse, sudden death or a prolonged death. My head is well and truly fucked. I'm sick of feeling this way. Its everyday. Apparently, its PTSD. I relive my dad's final hours. I hate my brain. For someone that's not afraid to die, I certainly can't handle death. I wish I could go back, I wish I could of saved them. I need to get out of this house tomorrow, even if its just to nip the shop because I feel like im going insane some times. I'm trapped in my own head. The medication isn't making things better, they're just keeping my head above water. Doesn't ...

Ive been to see a couple of my friends for a few hours today, she cooked us all sausage and egg sandwiches. It was good to have a catch up, but the whole time I was there I was thinking of my dad and son. I'm sat here now writing this blog feeling absolutely devastated. I miss my dad and son so much, it really hurts. Honestly, im heartbroken. Tried to engage in conversation, its so hard to try and be happy. Life shouldn't be hard work, but it is. Living is a nightmare I just can't seem to wake up from. I wish it was all a bad dream that ill wake up from any second. Living is hell. Hell on earth. I know my dad and son are in a better place, I just wish I was too.  Told my mate earlier that ive been single over a year, but if im honest, it could be longer. I have no recollection of the relationship ending or when it did end. I feel like ive blocked years of my life out. I dissociate so much its scary. It got me thinking of how long ive been single. When will I be ready to mee...

Another day of hanging on by a thread. No, to be fair it hasn't been to bad. Ive been to my sisters and myself, Sarah, Jesse and Athena have calved pumpkins. Athena painted my toe nails, shes only 5 so you can imagine how they must look, and we watched a movie. Then I get home and Jasper is breaking his heart because of Jay-Dee. Then it hit me all over again that my son is dead. My heart sank for Jasper because I know how it feels. I know the pain they're feeling inside. I wish I could make it all better for them, but im dead inside. I died the day my father passed away,  then I died all over again when my son died. Rock bottom has a basement. I dont see a light at the end of the tunnel, I dont see a future with me in it. Sad isn't it? But true. I told Jasper to stay strong. Good advice from someone who's falling apart. The only reason I am so strong is because of my children. They give me the strength to live everyday. Jasper is ok now, by the way. Makes me sad inside ...

People keep telling me what an inspiration i am after doing my testimony yesterday. The reason I did my testimony is in the hope that it will help someone else. I'm just a normal girl that's been through 3 traumatic events and im currently fighting for my life everyday. I dont feel like an inspiration, I feel broken and damaged. Yesterday at church it was a day for people who are battling addiction or those like myself that are in recovery. It was called Broken To Blessed and if I can remain sober after everything ive been through, then so can someone else that wants to get sober or someone who is in recovery like me. I hoped my testimony would help someone else on their journey of sobriety. Its still hard you know, some days i crave alcohol and that's when I say a prayer for strength. I still can't believe i stood on a stage yesterday in front of 50 odd people and read out my testimony. Where did my strength come from? Prayer that's where. I'll be honest, as I ...

I was up this morning ready for an early start at church. 9am - 3.30pm it was and I stayed the whole day. Its been brilliant, I read my testimony out to over 50 people. Can you believe that, for someone that's riddled with anxiety, I stood on that stage with a microphone and I read my testimony out. There were 53 people there and not sure how, but I got the strength from somewhere to get on that stage and read. Thank you Jesus. I prayed for strength and strength was what I got. The worship songs were amazing. They laid on a little spread for lunch and home made soup. It was lovely. Ive really had the best day and I feel so uplifted, I feel really good for a change. I know my dad and son would of been with  me today and they would of heard my testimony. I hope they're proud of me. Jensen just came home from work and the first thing he's said was 'did you read your testimony?'. I just know my kids are proud of me. I'm living for them. Ive not got much recollection...

Went to the firework display last night with Jasper and Jesse and it was brilliant. Had a really good time with my youngest 2 boys. Ive got church tomorrow 9am - 3.30pm and ill be reading my testimony to everyone there. I'm so nervous. Ive just added some more to it, more about how i became sober. January 1st 2022 is my sober date. Can't believe im nearly 4 years alcohol free. God is good. Watching the fireworks last night made me think of my dad and Jay-Dee, they would of had the best view from the sky. I was thinking in bed last night that its nearly 5 years since my dad passed away and I can't believe ive made it this far in life. After everything that's happened im still alive. I honestly believe that Olanzopine saved my life.  Today consists of doing some washing, showering to get my tan off and scrub my hair, then ive got to dry and straighten it. I hate doing my hair but im not going church tomorrow looking a mess. Tomorrow's even is called Broken To Blessed....

I have flash backs of my dad dying in his hospital bed. I see him lying there dying. When I dream of my dad, he's always got cancer in my dreams. Hes always dying. I see my son lying in his coffin. Grief isn't just missing them, its reliving their deaths over and over again. Its horrible. Is this how life will be forever? I can't keep living like this, its killing me. I'm filled with grief and some days its suffocating.  I'm so desperate to see my father and son again. I was thinking earlier that my son is dead and its hard to believe. How can my child be gone forever? It's truly heartbreaking.  Jesse breaks up tomorrow for half term, we're going a fire work display at his school tomorrow night which ive brought a ticket for, Jasper is coming too. Let's hope it doesnt rain, it's should be a good night. My father and son have got the best view of the fireworks where they are. I remember dads last bonfire night here at my house, I had family and friend...

Just had my 5th session of trauma therapy, today we talked about dissociation, which is funny because I find that I dissociate through the whole session. Nothing goes in my head. I just smile and nod. Ive become good at that. People can be talking to me and i won't hear a word they say and I just smile at them like I know what they're on about. I'm tired. I could of easily fallen asleep in today's session. Half term next week so no session until the kids go back school. Went the cafe this morning, had a cup of tea. Tried to engage in conversation. Thing is, ive got nothing to say, to anyone. I could easily go mute. I'm so depressed, ive got no desire to live and it makes me sad. Ive been Asda and got the ingredients to make a spag bol for tea. Can I be bothered to cook? Absolutely not. Am I going to cook for my kids? Yes, yes I am. I'm just doing some washing and that's it for the day. I might have a nap, I feel so tired. I know its the depression and grief ...

Ive slept the day away today. Zero energy. Did the school run, nipped Asda, came home and slept on the settee. Didn't even want go the cafe this morning, I did go but didn't even have a drink. Just sat listening to the conversation and smiling to my friends. They wouldnt know I was dead inside. I can't wait go bed and see the back of today. What did you think of my testimony in yesterday's blog? Hope it was alright because that's what ill be reading to a room full of people. I'm so nervous, but im going to push myself and do it. My story could save someone's life. It needs to be told. Ive overcome so much and I never give myself any credit. I am proud of how far ive come, I just wish I was happy to be alive. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. God im so drained today. Mentally and physically drained. Ive got Jasper and Jesse sat with me, we've just watched The Polar Express. Jesse chose the film. I saw a post earlier saying its only 10 Fr...

Sat listening to my sons funeral song, Nelly Furtado Childhood Dreams. The lyrics The Little Boy Made For Me In The Stars, I have tattooed above my knee with Jay-Dee underneath. You know, ive had such a good day and a wave of grief has just belted me in the stomach. I am a grieving daughter and a grieving Mother. I am a broken woman. I went to Church this morning, absolutely amazing service. Felt uplifted. Stayed behind for a cup of tea and a catch up with a friend. Ive been for a catch up with 2 of my friends this afternoon. My day has been really good and boom back to reality that my son and father are both dead. A 17 year old boy was killed last night in Bentilee, my heart sank for his family. The pain they must be going through right now will never go away. To lose a child is the worst feeling in the world. Been singing a beautiful worship song in my head all day. Its called Holy Forever by Chris Tomlin. Please listen to it and you'll feel uplifted. Honestly, having faith is wh...

Was talking to a friend this morning and we got on the subject of birthdays. She mentioned how one of her kids birthday's was June 2nd and my heart sank. Inside I told myself that's the day my son died and its my sisters birthday. I told her it was the same day as my sisters birthday, but couldnt bring myself to say, its the day my son tragically passed away. I kept it to myself as I didn't want to dampen her mood. Felt like screaming out loud but instead I had a silent scream inside of me. I hate how life has turned out to be. It kills me inside not having my dad and son here with me. I'm carrying grief with me today. Some days its heavy to carry. All I ever want to talk about is my father and son, but no one wants to hear that everyday so I keep it inside. My heart aches. Life without my child is hard. Life without my father is hard. Just seen Jesse at school as I walked out of the cafe and he came to me and wrapped his arms around me, that little boy doesn't know...

Was sat thinking today about when I use to cut Jay-Dees hair on top. Hed go the barbers for his back and sides, but I always cut the top. I knew how he liked it and I am a qualified hairdresser. Have had Jay-Dee on my mind all day today. I'm drowning in grief. A memory of my son came on my Facebook this morning and its made me miss him so much. I miss him everyday, but some days are harder than others. Today is a hard day. I'm so sad. My son really is gone forever and that kills me. I wish I could of saved him. I wish things were different. I wish I could of saved my father. I'm destroyed. Death has destroyed me, that with a touch of cancer. The past 4 and a half years have killed me inside. How do you come back from all this tragedy? I'm trying to find me, but i dont know where to look. I look in the mirror and i hate what I see. I dont love myself one bit. I just wish I was dead. Death must be so peaceful. No worrying about life. Just peace. God I wish I'd just di...

Jesse came home from school yesterday saying he felt sick, didn't think anything of it until he was sick all over my living room carpet. We've had a rough night sleep, no school for him today and ive missed trauma therapy. The Sutherland Center has just rang to make sure im ok because I missed my appointment. Just said that my son has been throwing up all night. I'm tired today.  Still can't get over my mum telling me its time to let go of my dad's ashes. Honestly its played on my mind. His resting place is my bedroom and that will never change. The only reason I can keep going is because I have my father and sons ashes with me. I'd feel lost without them with me.  My hearts not in Christmas this year, I dont want to put decorations up or go Christmas shopping. Its not the same now one of my children aren't here. I didn't want to do Christmas last year either. My hearts not in it anymore. I chucked my Christmas tree away last year so dont think ill bothe...

So ive been my mums this morning to get my hair done. She's a hairdresser. Anyway, i was telling her how Jesse starts bereavement counselling tomorrow with Dove Bereavement. He cries alot at school saying he misses his grandad and brother. Hes only 9 so god knows how his head must be. I'm 41 and a complete mess mentally. Anyway where was I, yes, my mum said it can't be helping anyone having 2 lots of ashes in the house. She said Jay-Dee she can understand, but its time to let go of your dad and scatter his ashes... let go of my dad? What the fuck does that even mean? I'll never let go of my dad, that man was my best friend. Scatter his ashes? How the fuck is that meant to help me, ill just miss him even more, if that's at all possible. But back to my mum, i swear she speaks before she thinks because who the fuck in the right mind would tell me, someone with PTSD and Chroni Depression to scatter my father's ashes and to move on?!? I'll never want to scatter m...

Due know what hurts the most about losing a child? It's thinking of what he would of become. Thinking about his future that he's never going to get. He was a month away from finishing his apprenticeship before he died. He was virtually qualified in brick laying. He use to send me photos of his work he'd done. He was so proud and I was extremely proud of him. I wish he'd of reached out to me. Honestly my heart is broken. I'll never get to see him get married or have kids. I'm grieving for the life he should of had. 21 is no age to die. He was a beautiful looking lad too, his jaw line was perfect. He looked like his dad when I first met him. He was his father's double. I'm torn between wanting to die and wanting to stay alive. I want to see my son and dad, but I also want to live to see my other boys grow up. Life really is hard work. My mental health is shockingly poor. Jensen and Jasper went out last night with a few friends for a meal and before they we...

World mental health day. Its no secret that I struggle with my mental health, I have done since I was a teenager. It just plummeted after my dad died. Then got worse when I was told I had cancer, and then to top it off, my son killed himself and now I dont know who I am. My thoughts are dark, suicidal thoughts plague me. My heads not a nice place to be. I'm trying though, I really am. I'm engaging with professionals, I take my medication like clock work. I'm just trying to find happiness, but how can you be happy after losing a child? Life is hard work, it keeps knocking me down, and i just keep getting back up. One thing ive realised, and that's that im made of strong stuff. Nothing more I'd love than to be with my dad and son, but how could I leave my other children. I can't do it to them. I pray daily for strength to get me through each day. Even when im with my friends, im still sat thinking about my father and son. Grief never ends, im learning to carry it ...

I saw a baby girls funeral go past my house today and it broke my heart. I know exactly how that family are feeling and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Its truly heartbreaking. She had a beautiful little pink coffin on a horse drawn carriage. Absolutely beautiful. It took me back to Jay-Dees funeral. Standing outside the house with his coffin, then making our way to the crematorium. My heart is beyond broken, I dont think i can recover from this. My dad's cancer took 19 months to eventually starve him to death. He had Esophageal Cancer. We had 19 months that led up to his death. 19 months to say goodbye. My son left one day and never came home. No goodbye, nothing. No days or months leading up to his death, there was nothing. No signs to see, he just left the house and never returned. My dad dying was hard, it still is, but to lose a child.. I have no words. I feel empty inside. I'm numb to the world. I'm drifting through life. I'm living one day to the next. I am ...

Just sat thinking about when I use to drink alcohol.. I cringe at some of the memories. I'm 3 years 9 months sober. Its crazy to think I dont drink anymore after how much i use to consume daily. I admit I was an alcoholic. 3 years and 9 months sober and I still crave alcohol some days. My sister and i were talking last night about me being sober and even she said I'd be dead by now if I was still drinking. My family is proud of me and so are my children, that's what keeps me going. Its not an easy journey to be on, but its the most rewarding. I only wish I'd of gotten sober sooner, but better late than never. Some times I think to myself, could I have 1 or 2 drinks and then stop, but I dont think I could. So its best I just stay sober. From drinking Jack Daniels every day to nothing. Its crazy. I drink alot of Coke Zero and Diet Coke. Ive always got cans of pop in the fridge. My brother comes on a friday with a few beers and I sit with my pop and it doesn't bother m...

Just had my 3rd session of trauma therapy. How's it going? I dunno, I sort of disassociate through out. Ive learned some grounding techniques, so that's good. They said to name your trauma so you can recognise it. My dad's death, my cancer and my sons suicide? That's 3 lots of trauma in the space of 4 years. Maybe it would be easier if there was only 1 traumatic experience to deal with, but I have 3. Its shit. I'll keep going because something has got to help, even if its only a little bit. We can't talk about our traumatic experience because its group therapy, so we can't over share which is a shame really because it would be nice to know if people are going through what im going through. Alls therapy has done is dragged everything to the surface. Anyway, i went Asda after, got some goodies for the kids and stuff for tea and now im back home. Going do some washing and that's it for the day. Jasper will be here after college then Jesse will be home. I lo...

I disassociat so much its unreal. I miss stuff that im watching because my mind drifts off else where. I find myself silently thinking about my dad and son all through the day. They are always on my mind. I find it hard to concentrate on things because mind is on overdrive. When I had therapy Tuesday we were given a coping strategy. You have to do these 5 things. 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. Its to take your mind off things and it works.  Not done anything today except eat and do a tan. I feel better than I did yesterday, so that's something. Jesse hasn't gone with Damian as he's not very well. I'm on episode 3 of Monster The Ed Gein Story and its really good. Bit fucked up, but then so am I so its all good. Definitely worth watching. Jasper will be going home soon after his sleepover last night, then ill be sat on my own, that's when the mind goes on overdrive. My friend asked...

Just sat thinking of my son taking his own life. I still can't believe it. I can't accept it, and I know i need to accept it, in order to live this life ive been given. Its hard. Not having my child here is so hard. I can't tell you how much pain im in, inside.  I could just scream!! I'm a Christian that some times I question my faith, because why take my dad and son from me? They say everything happens for a reason.. some one please tell me the reason? To lose my father who was my best friend, to then have cancer, and then my son kills himself. What is the reason for all this tragedy? The only good thing I take from it all, is that im nearly 4 years sober. My friend came this morning for a few hours and she had so much to say and then there's me, nothing to talk about because I have no interest in being alive. I could happily kill myself. Of course I won't, but death doesnt scare me. I'm already dead on the inside. Dusted Jay-Dees urn earlier and I just sta...

Not going lie, its been a shitty week. My boys birthday and he's wasn't here to celebrate it. Forgot to blog yesterday, but didn't do much. Cooked a big chilli for tea with nachos and cheese. Kids loved it so that's good. Ive only just got home from going the cafe, we stayed longer than usual. Love seeing my friend's. I'm tired today, thank god its friday tomorrow. Can't wait have a lie in at the weekend. I'm trying to make sure Jesse goes to school everyday, regardless of how im feeling. Don't know what to do for tea tonight. I get sick and tired of thinking what to do every night. Really need to wash my hair, I also need to get my roots done, but I can't be bothered at all. Think I'll get a shower later and tackle my hair, give it a good wash. Mental health isn't too bad today, I feel ok.  I'll always be sad, ive come to terms with that. Some days the grief is overwhelming, but im carrying it ok today. Jensen is working from home to...