Cancer, Depression and Me.

So ive been my mums this morning to get my hair done. She's a hairdresser. Anyway, i was telling her how Jesse starts bereavement counselling tomorrow with Dove Bereavement. He cries alot at school saying he misses his grandad and brother. Hes only 9 so god knows how his head must be. I'm 41 and a complete mess mentally. Anyway where was I, yes, my mum said it can't be helping anyone having 2 lots of ashes in the house. She said Jay-Dee she can understand, but its time to let go of your dad and scatter his ashes... let go of my dad? What the fuck does that even mean? I'll never let go of my dad, that man was my best friend. Scatter his ashes? How the fuck is that meant to help me, ill just miss him even more, if that's at all possible. But back to my mum, i swear she speaks before she thinks because who the fuck in the right mind would tell me, someone with PTSD and Chroni Depression to scatter my father's ashes and to move on?!? I'll never want to scatter m...

Due know what hurts the most about losing a child? It's thinking of what he would of become. Thinking about his future that he's never going to get. He was a month away from finishing his apprenticeship before he died. He was virtually qualified in brick laying. He use to send me photos of his work he'd done. He was so proud and I was extremely proud of him. I wish he'd of reached out to me. Honestly my heart is broken. I'll never get to see him get married or have kids. I'm grieving for the life he should of had. 21 is no age to die. He was a beautiful looking lad too, his jaw line was perfect. He looked like his dad when I first met him. He was his father's double. I'm torn between wanting to die and wanting to stay alive. I want to see my son and dad, but I also want to live to see my other boys grow up. Life really is hard work. My mental health is shockingly poor. Jensen and Jasper went out last night with a few friends for a meal and before they we...

World mental health day. Its no secret that I struggle with my mental health, I have done since I was a teenager. It just plummeted after my dad died. Then got worse when I was told I had cancer, and then to top it off, my son killed himself and now I dont know who I am. My thoughts are dark, suicidal thoughts plague me. My heads not a nice place to be. I'm trying though, I really am. I'm engaging with professionals, I take my medication like clock work. I'm just trying to find happiness, but how can you be happy after losing a child? Life is hard work, it keeps knocking me down, and i just keep getting back up. One thing ive realised, and that's that im made of strong stuff. Nothing more I'd love than to be with my dad and son, but how could I leave my other children. I can't do it to them. I pray daily for strength to get me through each day. Even when im with my friends, im still sat thinking about my father and son. Grief never ends, im learning to carry it ...

I saw a baby girls funeral go past my house today and it broke my heart. I know exactly how that family are feeling and I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy. Its truly heartbreaking. She had a beautiful little pink coffin on a horse drawn carriage. Absolutely beautiful. It took me back to Jay-Dees funeral. Standing outside the house with his coffin, then making our way to the crematorium. My heart is beyond broken, I dont think i can recover from this. My dad's cancer took 19 months to eventually starve him to death. He had Esophageal Cancer. We had 19 months that led up to his death. 19 months to say goodbye. My son left one day and never came home. No goodbye, nothing. No days or months leading up to his death, there was nothing. No signs to see, he just left the house and never returned. My dad dying was hard, it still is, but to lose a child.. I have no words. I feel empty inside. I'm numb to the world. I'm drifting through life. I'm living one day to the next. I am ...

Just sat thinking about when I use to drink alcohol.. I cringe at some of the memories. I'm 3 years 9 months sober. Its crazy to think I dont drink anymore after how much i use to consume daily. I admit I was an alcoholic. 3 years and 9 months sober and I still crave alcohol some days. My sister and i were talking last night about me being sober and even she said I'd be dead by now if I was still drinking. My family is proud of me and so are my children, that's what keeps me going. Its not an easy journey to be on, but its the most rewarding. I only wish I'd of gotten sober sooner, but better late than never. Some times I think to myself, could I have 1 or 2 drinks and then stop, but I dont think I could. So its best I just stay sober. From drinking Jack Daniels every day to nothing. Its crazy. I drink alot of Coke Zero and Diet Coke. Ive always got cans of pop in the fridge. My brother comes on a friday with a few beers and I sit with my pop and it doesn't bother m...

Just had my 3rd session of trauma therapy. How's it going? I dunno, I sort of disassociate through out. Ive learned some grounding techniques, so that's good. They said to name your trauma so you can recognise it. My dad's death, my cancer and my sons suicide? That's 3 lots of trauma in the space of 4 years. Maybe it would be easier if there was only 1 traumatic experience to deal with, but I have 3. Its shit. I'll keep going because something has got to help, even if its only a little bit. We can't talk about our traumatic experience because its group therapy, so we can't over share which is a shame really because it would be nice to know if people are going through what im going through. Alls therapy has done is dragged everything to the surface. Anyway, i went Asda after, got some goodies for the kids and stuff for tea and now im back home. Going do some washing and that's it for the day. Jasper will be here after college then Jesse will be home. I lo...

I disassociat so much its unreal. I miss stuff that im watching because my mind drifts off else where. I find myself silently thinking about my dad and son all through the day. They are always on my mind. I find it hard to concentrate on things because mind is on overdrive. When I had therapy Tuesday we were given a coping strategy. You have to do these 5 things. 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. Its to take your mind off things and it works.  Not done anything today except eat and do a tan. I feel better than I did yesterday, so that's something. Jesse hasn't gone with Damian as he's not very well. I'm on episode 3 of Monster The Ed Gein Story and its really good. Bit fucked up, but then so am I so its all good. Definitely worth watching. Jasper will be going home soon after his sleepover last night, then ill be sat on my own, that's when the mind goes on overdrive. My friend asked...

Just sat thinking of my son taking his own life. I still can't believe it. I can't accept it, and I know i need to accept it, in order to live this life ive been given. Its hard. Not having my child here is so hard. I can't tell you how much pain im in, inside.  I could just scream!! I'm a Christian that some times I question my faith, because why take my dad and son from me? They say everything happens for a reason.. some one please tell me the reason? To lose my father who was my best friend, to then have cancer, and then my son kills himself. What is the reason for all this tragedy? The only good thing I take from it all, is that im nearly 4 years sober. My friend came this morning for a few hours and she had so much to say and then there's me, nothing to talk about because I have no interest in being alive. I could happily kill myself. Of course I won't, but death doesnt scare me. I'm already dead on the inside. Dusted Jay-Dees urn earlier and I just sta...

Not going lie, its been a shitty week. My boys birthday and he's wasn't here to celebrate it. Forgot to blog yesterday, but didn't do much. Cooked a big chilli for tea with nachos and cheese. Kids loved it so that's good. Ive only just got home from going the cafe, we stayed longer than usual. Love seeing my friend's. I'm tired today, thank god its friday tomorrow. Can't wait have a lie in at the weekend. I'm trying to make sure Jesse goes to school everyday, regardless of how im feeling. Don't know what to do for tea tonight. I get sick and tired of thinking what to do every night. Really need to wash my hair, I also need to get my roots done, but I can't be bothered at all. Think I'll get a shower later and tackle my hair, give it a good wash. Mental health isn't too bad today, I feel ok.  I'll always be sad, ive come to terms with that. Some days the grief is overwhelming, but im carrying it ok today. Jensen is working from home to...