October 10th Friday.

World mental health day. Its no secret that I struggle with my mental health, I have done since I was a teenager. It just plummeted after my dad died. Then got worse when I was told I had cancer, and then to top it off, my son killed himself and now I dont know who I am. My thoughts are dark, suicidal thoughts plague me. My heads not a nice place to be. I'm trying though, I really am. I'm engaging with professionals, I take my medication like clock work. I'm just trying to find happiness, but how can you be happy after losing a child? Life is hard work, it keeps knocking me down, and i just keep getting back up. One thing ive realised, and that's that im made of strong stuff. Nothing more I'd love than to be with my dad and son, but how could I leave my other children. I can't do it to them. I pray daily for strength to get me through each day. Even when im with my friends, im still sat thinking about my father and son. Grief never ends, im learning to carry it better though. Its hard when im home on my own because I have my dad's ashes in my bedroom and my sons ashes in front of me on the fire place. I won't ever move them, they'll stay with me until I die. I know they're both safe with me. Gives me some comfort having them here with me, if that makes sense. No one knows the depth of my depression. Only you who reads my blogs. My family, after Jay-Dees death messaged me loads and its all stopped. Its like they think im fine now. Little do they know my head is just above water. I'm not thriving yet, im just surviving. I worry that ill be on my own forever, I dont go out unless its for a meal with my friends. How am I meant to meet someone? Life's easier single I know that. . Sigh.

I keep thinking it'll happen when the time is right, when im mentally in a better place, when ever that may be. Not going lie, life's easier being single that's for sure. Its funny because if I nip my friends or go out, the boys message me to see where I am and when im coming home. My protectors. I love being a boy mum. They love their mum and I love them so much. My reasons to live. Anyway, here's to another day of hanging on by a thread.