October 2nd Thursday.

Not going lie, its been a shitty week. My boys birthday and he's wasn't here to celebrate it. Forgot to blog yesterday, but didn't do much. Cooked a big chilli for tea with nachos and cheese. Kids loved it so that's good. Ive only just got home from going the cafe, we stayed longer than usual. Love seeing my friend's. I'm tired today, thank god its friday tomorrow. Can't wait have a lie in at the weekend. I'm trying to make sure Jesse goes to school everyday, regardless of how im feeling. Don't know what to do for tea tonight. I get sick and tired of thinking what to do every night. Really need to wash my hair, I also need to get my roots done, but I can't be bothered at all. Think I'll get a shower later and tackle my hair, give it a good wash. Mental health isn't too bad today, I feel ok.  I'll always be sad, ive come to terms with that. Some days the grief is overwhelming, but im carrying it ok today. Jensen is working from home today which is nice, means im not on my own. Think i might take a nap. I'm also cold. Jasper is off college today so he'll be here at some point. I was thinking the other day that my boys are growing up and sooner or later they'll be moving out and that makes me sad. I need to get my mental health better before im all alone. Hope I meet someone in the future to love. I'm fine on my own, but it would be nice to have someone, not yet though, im not ready. I just keep thinking God will send me someone when the time is right. Still doesnt feel real that my dad and son are both in wooden boxes. It will be 5 years next month since my dad's death. Makes me realise how long ive been mentally ill for. I suffered with depression since my teenage years, then my dad died and my whole world got flipped upside down. 5 years and im still here fighting for a life I dont want to live. I'm not looking forward to Christmas, I dont want to put decorations up this year. I'm just not feeling it. Life's not the same anymore since my dad and son died. Anyway, that's it for today.