October 11th Saturday.

Due know what hurts the most about losing a child? It's thinking of what he would of become. Thinking about his future that he's never going to get. He was a month away from finishing his apprenticeship before he died. He was virtually qualified in brick laying. He use to send me photos of his work he'd done. He was so proud and I was extremely proud of him. I wish he'd of reached out to me. Honestly my heart is broken. I'll never get to see him get married or have kids. I'm grieving for the life he should of had. 21 is no age to die. He was a beautiful looking lad too, his jaw line was perfect. He looked like his dad when I first met him. He was his father's double. I'm torn between wanting to die and wanting to stay alive. I want to see my son and dad, but I also want to live to see my other boys grow up. Life really is hard work. My mental health is shockingly poor. Jensen and Jasper went out last night with a few friends for a meal and before they went i said to Jensen i need a hug, he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. Then Jasper gave me a kiss and a hug. They both told me they love me, and I told them I love them too. I needed them hugs more than my boys would realise. I never go a day without telling my boys I love them. Life's too short not to say it. You never know when it will be the last time I see them. I worry about them more since I lost Jay-Dee. I'm scared im going to lose another child. Its torture living in my head. Jasper stayed last night instead of tonight so he's here with me. Having my boys around me is what keeps me going. Just saw a post on Facebook saying 'I would of been lobotomised' and I thought to myself, yes I would of been back in the day haha. If I dont laugh ill cry.