October 31st Friday.

Been up since 8am, Jesse went the cinema at quarter past 9 with Damian and Mabel. Hes still out now. Hes living his best life. If it wasn't for Damian and Louise, Jesse would only have me. Damian takes him out all the time. He treats him like he treats his own and for that im forever grateful. Jesse thinks Damian is his father and that's ok with me. I love the bond they have. Jasper slept last night and has not long gone home. Ive hoovered and polished my living room and ive sat down and the first thing ive thought about was, why did my son kill himself? I just can't get it out of my head. It doesnt seem real that my son is dead. I hate my own head. I'm sick of over thinking about everything. Polishing my sons urn kills me inside. I shouldn't be polishing a wooden box, he should still be here with me. I hate myself for not waking up through the night to message him, the morning he died. 5.30am my son stepped off the 17th floor of a multistory car park. I could scream!! Why my son? Why is all this bad stuff happening? It knocks me sick thinking about it. I could cry. 

Jensen is working from home today, so he's upstairs. If only he knew I was sat downstairs going out of my mind over his brothers death. I can't describe how I feel inside, its a pain like no other. Losing a child has killed off what was left of me. I try everyday to get through each day, but I dont know how much more I can take of this life. I'm so fed up, im mentally drained.

It's tiring trying to live each day whilst you fall apart. I can't deal with my father's death after nearly 5 years, how the fuck do you come back from a child death? I was learning to carry grief better after years and years, and now im back to that dark place I was fighting so hard to get out of. I'm not living, im not thriving, im not enjoying being alive. I'm just surviving. God i wish I'd just die already! I hope i dont live to an old age, that would be torture. 60 years old will do me i think. Like im going to make it to 60 with my mental health haha. Stuck between life and death. Ive got stuck between the living and the dead. Half of my heart is with my dad and son, and half is with my living children. 

I was thinking of how im coming upto 4 years of sobriety and I can't believe after my son dying ive not hit the bottle. Don't get me wrong, some days I think about it, but what would that achieve? It will just make me feel worse and I'd end up dead. I said before, i can control the suicidal thoughts whilst im sober and that's hard enough. Jesse's just got home and Damian is picking him up at half 4 to go trick or treating. I feel so blessed to have Damian in my life. It didn't work in a relationship, but as friends we get on perfectly. Jesse is lucky to have him as a father figure. I know as he gets older ill have to explain that he's not his biological father, but he stepped up and took Jesse on as one of his own. Thank you Jesus. Jesse has the best life because of Damian. I barely leave the house because of my anxiety. Got a holiday booked for July and im so nervous about going on my own with Jasper and Jesse. Keep thinking why did I book it? Just hope come July im in a better place, not dead and hopefully enjoying life. I hope so. That girl i was messaging, ive stopped messaging her. Can't be bothered with the small talk. I think im just best off on my own. I keep telling myself that I need to love me before I can love anyone else. How exactly do I love myself though? I just fucking hate life. How on earth do you love yourself? What am I meant to do? I love my kids with all that I am, but I need a break from life. I'm drowning in grief. My head is literally above water. I'll get there one day. One day ill be happy again and I can't wait for that day to arrive. God's keeping me alive for a reason. I want to do something in Jay-Dees name, I want my son to be remembered. Oh my boy (sighh) why did you take your own life? I hope he's over my shoulder as I write my blogs reading what I put. I hope my dad and son both know how hard life is without them. I hope im making them proud of fighting for my life. Life surely shouldn't be this hard?! Anyway, that's my moaning for the day done. Thanks for following me on this journey,  who ever you are. I can see views, but it doesnt tell me who. Take care.