October 15th Wednesday.

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Was sat thinking today about when I use to cut Jay-Dees hair on top. Hed go the barbers for his back and sides, but I always cut the top. I knew how he liked it and I am a qualified hairdresser. Have had Jay-Dee on my mind all day today. I'm drowning in grief. A memory of my son came on my Facebook this morning and its made me miss him so much. I miss him everyday, but some days are harder than others. Today is a hard day. I'm so sad. My son really is gone forever and that kills me. I wish I could of saved him. I wish things were different. I wish I could of saved my father. I'm destroyed. Death has destroyed me, that with a touch of cancer. The past 4 and a half years have killed me inside. How do you come back from all this tragedy? I'm trying to find me, but i dont know where to look. I look in the mirror and i hate what I see. I dont love myself one bit. I just wish I was dead. Death must be so peaceful. No worrying about life. Just peace. God I wish I'd just die in my sleep one night. Sad isn't it. I can't help how I feel. I know my kids need me and that's the only reason im here today. I'm just so tired of fighting. I need a break from life. Surely ive got to be due some sort of happiness? I pray for strength, ive prayed that i make it through today. Its not helping my mental health being stuck in the house but we're on day 2 of Jesse having a sickness bug. I'm hoping he's back in school tomorrow so I can leave the house. Anyway here's a photo of my beautiful boy Jay-Dee Forever 21 🕊

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